Make a decision to love

As my husband, Dennis, and I race toward 32 years of marriage this spring, I am grateful for the decades of decisions we’ve made to keep loving each other and our sacred bond despite anything and ever

Mary DeTurris Poust (Courtesy photo of CINDY SCHULTZ)

Many years ago, when my husband, Dennis, and I attended a Marriage Encounter weekend, one phrase from the experience stuck like glue: “Make a decision to love.” So simple and yet so profound. When we arrived home from that weekend, I printed those words out in large type and hung a copy over the kitchen sink, on the bathroom mirror, and over my desk. It was a succinct reminder that marriage hinges on the daily decision to love the other person, no matter what. It doesn’t happen by chance but by active choice, a never-ending “I do,” not only on the wedding day but every day after.

Recently, Pope Leo XIV echoed those same sentiments. In the prologue to the new edition of “YouCat: Love Forever,” a youth catechism focused on love and marriage, he stressed that human love is “a decision, a journey, and a lifelong covenant.”

“It is not an ephemeral or fleeting sentiment,” the pope wrote, according to news reports. “It is much more. It is a profound ‘yes’ to the other.”

Those suggestions fly in the face of what our rom-com culture promotes, where feelings take center stage and the daily “yes” is much less romantic or glamorous than what society tells us marriage should be. Yes to the financial worries and parenting challenges, yes to illnesses and losses, yes to the juggling of chores and responsibilities, yes to the navigating of disagreements and disappointments. And, of course, yes to the joys and laughter that are woven throughout.

All of the attention on marriage these days tends to be focused on “the big day,” along with the flowers and food and dresses that go with it. But it is not until after the honeymoon that the real “work” of marriage begins. It will never be all sunshine and roses, but if we make a decision to love, it changes the way we view the journey. The challenges don’t disappear; rather, they become signposts along the path, reminding us that we are part of something bigger than ourselves and guided — if we ground ourselves in faith and prayer — by a God who wants to anchor our hearts and carry us forward.

As Dennis and I race toward 32 years of marriage this spring, I am grateful for the decades of decisions we’ve made to keep loving each other and our sacred bond despite anything and everything that has come our way, because of course things throw us off course. We wouldn’t be human if they didn’t. However, as I grow older (and maybe wiser) I also think this model can be applied to relationships beyond the marriage covenant. Yes, that is the central relationship in any family, but imagine how our lives and our happiness and our stress levels might change if we approached others with that same marriage mindset — from the co-workers who can make us crazy to the folks on the other end of the phone when we have been on endless hold to the family members and friends who challenge us.

When we make a decision to love, we are required to pause for a beat and to choose to act rather than react. That kind of response is sorely needed in a world where division and disparagement are often the first line of defense, but it’s not easy to make that choice. That’s where prayer and Scripture can help. When we ground ourselves in the Word of God on a regular basis and allow ourselves to sink into silent conversation with the Divine, we become more adept at pausing and, by extension, more willing to choose love.

Pope Leo, in his YouCat prologue, suggests married couples ask themselves, “How can I love as Christ has loved?” It’s a question that takes us beyond “I do” to a place that requires a decision, a choice, and a willingness to say, “I can and I will.”

Mary DeTurris Poust is a writer, retreat leader and spiritual director living in the Capital Region. Visit her website at NotStrictlySpiritual.com.