Workshops tackle sensitive issues

"Always Our Children," a National Conference of Catholic Bishops' statement to parents of homosexual children, and cohabitation were the topics of the workshops sponsored by the diocesan Family Life Office for priests, deacons, pastoral associates, campus ministers, and parish and diocesan staff.

Both workshops addressed showing compassion to people in difficult situations, including parents of homosexual children, homosexuals themselves, and couples preparing for marriage who are living together.

HOMOSEXUALITY

Dr. McCord explained that the goal of "Always Our Children," a statement of the bishops' Committee on Marriage and Family, is to reach out to parents who are dealing with the discovery of homosexuality in their adolescent or adult child.

"It's intent is to offer words of faith, hope and love," he said. "It speaks directly to parents. It is an outstretched hand during what may be the most important crisis of their family. It speaks of relationships in the family since no one is unaffected. Families need support, and it is very likely they will turn to the Church."

Church teaching

Dr. McCord stressed that it is important for parents and the Church to view the whole person when addressing homosexuality. "Do not reduce the person to their sexuality," he said. "A person needs to be seen as more than their sexual orientation. Accept that person's giftedness. Accept that person's free will. Do not make unfounded judgments -- don't conclude that all homosexual persons are sexually active."

He encouraged participants to read the document to get a clear understanding of its intent. He said the negative attention the document has received has come from people who misjudged its intent.

Personal story

"I cried non-stop for two weeks, and then off and on for a year," she said. "It took years for me to appreciate the courage it took for him to tell me and for me to appreciate the pain he was in."

When Mrs. Lopata needed people most, she found she was alone. "I stole books [on homosexuality] from the library. I couldn't let people know I had an interest in the topic," she said. "Books were helpful, but I felt lonely."

It took her three years to tell even her best friend. While her parish priest listened to her and the parish was a warm community, homosexuality was never talked about. Her husband was also experiencing a range of emotions. "Was my son going to hell? That's what I was taught," he said.

Church's role

The Church needs to "assure us our child is a child of God," Mrs. Lopata said. Mr. Lopata added that consistent pastoral care is important. He asked, "If my married daughter with concerns about birth control and my son concerned about homosexuality go to the same priest, would they receive the same pastoral counseling?"

He encouraged all present to read "Always Our Children" and have copies available in parishes. "I looked at it as a parent who strived to understand Church teaching and my son's gayness," he said. "It's right on target. How I wish these statements were available to me."

Welcoming heart

Dr. McCord said there are homosexual parishioners at his parish. "Our parish is welcoming," he said. "Gay and lesbian people have been welcomed to play roles as lector, Eucharistic minister, catechist and president of the parish council."

In trying to make a parish welcoming to the homosexual community, Mrs. Lopata said, "the important thing is that gay and lesbian people in the parish have gotten the signal that it's good for them to be there."

COHABITATION

James Healy, director of the Center for Family Ministry of the Diocese of Joliet, Illinois, and author of "Living Together and the Christian Commitment," discussed some of the challenges of preparing cohabiting couples for marriage.

According to Dr. Healy, 50 percent of couples approaching the Catholic Church for marriage preparation are living together, but workshop participants put that figure anywhere from 30 percent to 80 percent in their own parishes.

Scandal

"It's scandalous," he said of the trend toward living together outside of marriage. "The scandal is not so much those who approach us for marriage but those who don't. You can also cause scandal by showing a lack of compassion to people in an irregular situation."

Those present at the workshop said they were walking on a delicate path when dealing with cohabiting couples. They wanted to address the issue of cohabitation but were afraid of alienating couples from the Church.

Solutions

The cohabiting couples should also be asked what brought them to live together, what they had learned from living together, what happened in their relationship to make them want to move from living together to being married, and what is preventing them from living separately while they prepare for marriage.

Dr. Healy encouraged participants to get to know the couples as people, not just as cohabitators. "If we're not careful, we act like living together is the only thing a couple can do wrong," he said.

Parental response

"It's hard to do both, but it's a sign of emotional health," he said. "The Church must do this as well."

Asked whether cohabiting couples should have a wedding Mass, Dr. Healy said the answer can't be determined by outsiders.

"We are constrained from judging other's inner spiritual states," he explained. "We are a Church of sinners. We believe that marriage itself will purify them if they do it right. The Church has a long tradition of taking people in irregular situations and bringing them on board."

(06-11-98) [[In-content Ad]]