Workshop explores mother-daughter relationships

Hilda Dunne never heard her mother say that she expected her sons to do better academically and athletically than her daughters.

"She didn't have to say it with words -- the message was conveyed in very subtle ways," recalls Dr. Dunne, a psychotherapist and educator in the Albany Diocese.

"Times have changed a great deal since I was a little girl, but mothers are still telling their daughters -- most times unconsciously and in very subtle ways -- that they value their sons more than their daughters," says Dr. Dunne. "Most women I know who are mothers do not want to pass such messages along to their daughters; but in order to stop, they must first become aware that they are doing it."

That's where her workshops on "The Mother-Daughter Relationship" can help. According to Dr. Dunne, the mother of two adult children, the relationship between mothers and daughters is one of the most important in life.

"When most women really think back about what they were told -- verbally or non-verbally -- constituted femininity, it really provides grist for the mill," she says. "They often realize that everything in their girlhood from the division of chores to the toys they were given to play with carried a message about femininity. However well intended, rules and regulations in many families reinforced the patriarchal structure in which boys were more highly valued than the girls. Times are changing, thank goodness, but this practice is still quite prevalent today."

Dr. Dunne's own mother, who had six sons and two daughters, used to become upset when her daughters joined in outdoor ball games with the boys.

"It was okay for the boys to be loud and somewhat aggressive, but girls were to be quiet and polite," she recalls. "I never wore slacks until I was a grown-up even though they would have been much more practical and comfortable than skirts and dresses in many instances."

Given the messages many young girls receive about their worth, Dr. Dunne says, "It's no wonder so many women suffer from low self-esteem and episodes of depression."

She believes her workshops are a positive step in breaking the negative cycle she says remains so prevalent in mother-daughter relationships.

(Dr. Hilda Dunne's next workshop will take place Feb. 25, 7-9:30 p.m., at the diocesan Consultation Center, Albany. Registration fee is $12. For details, call 489-4431.)

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