Woman shares her journey from abortion to healing

"I didn't know there was healing through the Catholic Church. I thought I was damned."

Her words are simple, but Cathy's description of her emotional state after having an abortion is filled with pain: "Some people remember the lights or the cold table. I remember saying, 'I hope God can forgive me.'"

Years after the experience, Cathy still struggles to articulate the after-effects of her choice: "I tried to push it away, but the guilt kept resurfacing. I went to confession three times, but I couldn't forgive myself."

Story to share

Sitting in an Albany coffee shop for an interview, Cathy (whose last name is being withheld at her request) admitted she was nervous, but she was choosing to tell her story to help others in her situation find the healing she did.

In 2005, Cathy attended a retreat through Rachel's Vineyard, a nationwide program that aids people struggling with the effects of abortion.

A native of the Albany Diocese and lifelong Catholic, Cathy drifted away from the practice of her faith and fell into addiction as a young woman. It was during a blackout from drinking that she became pregnant.

Abortion

Cathy was 23, single, had just started to attend Alcoholics Anonymous meetings and had only a tenuous hold on sobriety when she realized she was pregnant.

She said she "didn't know what else to do" about the baby except to have an abortion.

"I don't think I gave it much thought; I just said there was no other option."

Guilt

A friend brought Cathy home from the abortion clinic. Then she tried never to think about the experience again.

It didn't work. Thoughts of the choice she'd made came up over and over again. Cathy told herself that she hadn't been in her right mind when she'd had the abortion, but guilt still plagued her. She began to suffer from anxiety and physical symptoms related to stress.

"A lot of people I know [who have had abortions] don't have the same guilt I did," she remarked. "Counselors said, 'You were a different person then; you did what you had to do.' But the spiritual healing was what I needed."

Finding help

Seven years after she stopped drinking, Cathy went to the Sacrament of Reconciliation for the third time -- and the priest told her about Rachel's Vineyard.

She looked at the organization's website (www.rachelsvineyard.org) and saw that weekend retreats were held in 45 states and 11 countries. The retreats support both men and women who are grieving after an abortion and looking for "a lighted path to discover forgiveness and reconciliation."

Cathy and a friend registered for an out-of-state retreat together. Cathy smiled as she remembered learning that staffers would be praying for her even before she arrived at the house where the retreat was held.

Letter to Timothy

At the beginning of the weekend, each participant was given a large rock to carry as a symbol of the guilt she or he had been carrying. They were told to put the rock down whenever they felt comfortable letting the guilt go.

Participants also named the children they had lost. Cathy called her son Timothy, which means "to honor God," and she wrote him a letter.

"The letter really helped," she said. Though she started it by asking how Timothy could ever forgive her, she looked at a nearby picture of Christ holding a baby and wrote about feeling comforted to know her baby had "spent his entire life with God." She wrote that she wondered if she would meet Timothy in heaven and get the chance to hold him.

Forgiveness

Cathy went to Reconciliation during the weekend and participated in a ceremony to give her child back to God. Participants also teamed up to tell one another their stories and listen non-judgmentally to someone else's.

"I was filled with hope that there was truly forgiveness -- and wanting to share it," she said. "I wanted to start a support group up here."

She said the retreat gave her "a lot of relief. I'm really much stronger in my faith now. I read the Bible; I talk to people and share my experience, strength and hope. I see God everywhere now."

Facing the truth

Although she understands both sides of the abortion debate, Cathy believes many of her original assumptions about both unplanned pregnancy and abortion were wrong.

For example, she thought her parents would disown her for getting pregnant; now, she realizes that they would have been upset, but would have supported her.

"Once you make the decision [to have an abortion], people say, 'It's behind you,'" she added. "But it's not behind you. I thought, 'I have this problem, and that will solve it.' It didn't solve it. It's just not a solution. You're better off facing the truth, because you're going to have to face it one way or the other."

(Rachel's Vineyard was created in 1994 by Dr. Theresa Karminski Burke as a model for post-abortion support groups, both Catholic and ecumenical. The following year, the organization began weekend retreats for those grieving over abortions. Today, 250 such retreats are held around the world each year. Rachel's Vineyard is billed as "an opportunity to examine your abortion experience, identify the ways that the loss has impacted you in the past and present, and help to acknowledge any unresolved feelings" stemming from an abortion. The Albany Diocese offers post-abortion support services through the diocesan Family Life Office. Contact Meg Bergh at 453-6677 or [email protected].)

(1/25/07) [[In-content Ad]]