What's the 'right time' for confirmation?

Christina Benardo's mother wasn't religious enough; Tim Eidle's parents were too religious. For both, this was enough to turn them off from the Church when they were teenagers.

So they chose not to be confirmed until adulthood, when they finally understood the meaning of the sacrament.

According to these two now-active Catholics and many youth ministers in the Albany Diocese, delaying an adolescent's confirmation until he or she feels ready can be a smart choice.

In the Albany Diocese, students are typically confirmed in 10th or 11th grade, but bishops nationwide also encourage Catholics to receive the sacrament at any age thereafter.

At Siena College in Loudonville, The College of Saint Rose in Albany and Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute in Troy, among others, typically several undergraduate students are confirmed each year. Some skipped religious education when they were younger, but some didn't feel ready at the age of discernment, which ranges from first grade to 11th grade nationwide.

"I don't think there should be an age," said Ms. Benardo, a parishioner of St. Vincent de Paul Church in Albany. "In high school, you do what your friends do; you don't do what you feel is right."

Ms. Benardo was baptized Catholic in Delaware and received her First Communion there. When she reached junior high, her view of Catholicism was sullied by the attitudes of her peers and catechists in her parish. She felt unwelcome, ostracized by the cliques they had created.

When it came time be confirmed, she began to shy away from the idea.

"I started not feeling right about it," Ms. Benardo said. "I stopped going [to faith formation classes]. It was anti what I always thought Catholics should be."

Ms. Benardo's father was a serious Catholic, but lived in Waterford after her parents divorced when she was three. Ms. Benardo felt that her mother, who didn't attend church, was pushing her too hard to receive the sacrament: "When parents are trying to enforce a faith in their child's life, they need to model it. They can't expect their kids to do it if they're not.

"If kids are not sure how they want to spend the rest of their lives," she continued, "their parents shouldn't make them. If it's not something they feel passionate about, then it's not something they should be forced to do."

Ms. Benardo was confirmed in 2006 during her junior year at The College of Saint Rose after meeting Catholic friends who made her feel welcome at Mass.

Eileen Davenport, assistant for special programs at St. Bernard's School of Theology and Ministry in Albany - the Diocese's graduate school for theology - said that questioning one's Catholic faith during adolescence is positive.

"It's not a bad thing," Ms. Davenport said. "It shows they're developing in their faith and they're looking for answers."

If a student wants to postpone confirmation in the Albany Diocese, many youth ministers will advocate for that choice to parents who feel disappointed by the decision.

"We try to help [parents] understand that it's got to be at their [children's] time, when they're ready," said Connie Smith, pastoral associate for faith formation and youth ministry at St. John the Baptist in Valatie.

Confirmation is a sacrament of choice, she tells parents and students. This year, 34 high-school juniors were confirmed at St. John's; one student opted out in the middle of the eight-week program.

Adolescence is "a tricky time, because they are more independent," Mrs. Smith said. As teens grow older, "they are much more formed in their persons. It's a good thing in that way, because it's more of a personal choice. I think the kids who make [their confirmation] really want to make it."

At Immaculate Conception parish in Glenville, youth ministers ask candidates if they want confirmation for themselves or for their parents. If doing it for their parents is a good enough reason for the candidate, then the parish encourages the confirmands to keep forming their faith after receiving the sacrament.

Youth ministers like Christine Goss of Immaculate Conception try to change teens' false perceptions: for instance, that confirmation is a prerequisite for marriage or that confirmation marks the pinnacle and end of faith life.

"Confirmation isn't graduation from Church," Mrs. Goss said.

About half of last year's confirmation class attended a Mass for seniors graduating from local schools. About a quarter of the confirmands received awards for parish involvement.

Tim Eidle, who ministers to youth at St. Ambrose in Latham, understands from firsthand experience that confirmation has to be the candidate's choice.

"I always encourage them to be open," Mr. Eidle said. "We want them to understand what they're saying 'yes' to. I love hearing teens say, 'I don't know if this is for me,' because I love honesty. Forced catechesis is not the way to go."

Growing up in the Archdiocese of New York, Mr. Eidle was supposed to be confirmed in junior high, but his parents didn't think he was old enough to grasp the significance.

In high school, he decided against getting confirmed because he didn't want to be the oldest person in the program. His parents' open faith embarrassed him; he went to a Catholic high school, but fell away from the Church during early adulthood.

When he reached his 30s, Mr. Eidle began yearning for a spiritual life and started going to Mass in New York City. When he moved to the Albany area and found St. Ambrose, parish leaders asked him to help out with the LifeTeen program.

He decided at 33 to be confirmed along with the teen candidates. His age didn't make him blush anymore.

"It didn't matter," he said. "I felt like God was orchestrating the whole thing."

(07/01/10)