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Donna Lochner, an Albany psychotherapist in private practice, will lead the workshop, which is sponsored by the diocesan Consultation Center in Albany.

She told The Evangelist that while men and women both struggle with saying no, it's more of a problem for women, since they're typically society's nurturers and caregivers.

Why the problem?

Women or men who can't say no to unwanted requests "equate personal value with being nice," the therapist said. "They'll say, `It's not nice;' `I'll hurt somebody's feelings;' `I'll feel guilty.'"

People also worry about potential consequences: for example, that refusing to work late will affect their jobs, or that they'll lose status or prestige by saying no.

Ms. Lochner said that for people who are assertive, saying no may be difficult because they don't know how to refuse in a non-aggressive way. They worry about being abrupt or off-putting in saying no to requests.

As a result, people may say "yes" too often -- and end up feeling overextended, burdened and tired of putting themselves out for others.

Solutions

The therapist will talk about looking for compromises, using assertiveness techniques and learning whether it's a good idea to give an explanation for saying no.

"Many kinds of explanations," she said, "can offer fuel for the other people to manipulate you."

Setting limits

In situations like that, Ms. Lochner begins by asking the caregiver to jot down his or her limitations. "Some people may not even consider that they can set those kinds of boundaries," she noted.

Often, participants will say in response to a suggestion, "Yeah, but when I've done that, it hasn't worked." The therapist said she will also cover alternative solutions.

'Fogging'

In that case, Ms. Lochner said she teaches the "fogging" technique: agreeing with the kernel of truth in the person's statement without taking on their request, as well. The wife might say, "Well, sometimes it is true that I'm sensitive," but simply stop there.

"It takes away their ammunition," Ms. Lochner said. "It cuts off the opportunity for an argument."

("Say No to Unwanted Requests" will be held Oct. 9, 7-9 p.m., at the Pastoral Center in Albany. The cost is $12. To register, call the Consultation Center, 489-4431.)

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