Three divorced women advise the engaged to use marriage prep

Three divorced women advise the engaged to use marriage prep

The night before she said, "I do," Marianne was tempted to say, "I don't."

"Even though I loved my fiance very much, I felt sick all through the wedding rehearsal and during the party for bridal attendants that followed," recalls Marianne [as with the others in this article, that is not her real name]. "Deep down, I guess I knew our relationship was headed for disaster, and I thought about calling the whole thing off.

"But as I looked around at my parents and everyone else, I realized there was no turning back. Gowns had been bought and tuxedos had been rented. The photographer and reception hall had been booked. Wedding guests had already checked into hotels from out-of-town. What could I do?"

End of marriage

Ultimately, she did what she felt was right. She put aside nagging doubts about her fiance's escalating problem with "social drinking" and the volatile, verbally abusive side he demonstrated when he'd had one too many. Still in college, Marianne was idealistic and believed that she could change him if only she worked hard at being the perfect wife and homemaker.

Six years and many painful episodes later, Marianne fled her marriage wishing she'd had the courage to call off the wedding when doubts overwhelmed her the night before.

"They say hindsight's 20/20, and looking back, it's all crystal clear," she says. "The warning flags were up throughout our engagement, but I was so preoccupied with our wedding plans that I kept ignoring them.

"Mind you, I didn't have the benefit of Pre-Cana or any other kind of marriage preparation. In retrospect, I can't help but feel that anything that made us pause for deeper reflection would have made a positive difference. The embarrassment and inconvenience of calling off the wedding would have been a cake-walk compared with the pain of the divorce."

Needed preparation

A similar story is shared by Susan, a separated Catholic mother of four who was a young nurse at the time of her marriage more than 20 years ago.

Living apart from her non-Catholic husband for the past two years, Susan believes a lengthier, more in-depth form of marriage preparation would have had a profound impact upon her decision to wed when she did.

"We dated for two years, but there was still a lot I didn't know about him," she admits. "Our engagement lasted only four months, and during that time almost all of my thoughts were focussed on getting ready for the wedding -- the bridal showers, the invitations, the gown. There was so much going on it almost didn't leave you time to think about the deeper issues.

"I can't be sure, of course, but looking back I feel that some of the underlying issues that ultimately strained our marriage to the breaking point might have come out if we'd spent a year -- or even six months -- on preparation for marriage itself."

Serious issues

Factors that contributed to the break-down of Susan's marriage included issues of family origin and lifestyle: Catholic vs. non-Catholic; suburban vs. rural; his parents who liked to party long into the night vs. her folks who stuck close to hearth and home, reading, playing board games and nurturing hobbies.

"They say opposites attract, and our case proves that true," reflects Susan, adding: "The thing you don't expect is that personality traits, attitudes and behaviors that sometimes attract you most to the person while you're dating them are the very same things that will drive you crazy after you marry them."

Alcoholism

The thought that her husband might be an alcoholic-in-the-making, for example, never occurred to Susan until several years into the marriage.

"In the beginning, I looked upon drinking as a stage that he'd outgrow," she says, "just like I thought he'd lose interest in partying after the babies started to arrive. If anything, the added responsibilities of parenthood made things worse."

She has attended both Al-Anon and marriage counseling, and says she won't rush into a divorce as long as there's a glimmer of hope that her estranged spouse will seek and receive counseling and treatment for his alcoholism.

"If there's one thing I've learned over the years, it's that you cannot change another person," she explains. "You can only change yourself."

Short marriage

Catherine blames "emotional immaturity" with the demise of her marriage after only four years.

"I've often thought that if we'd gone to Pre-Cana, things might have turned out differently," she notes. "Even though I wasn't young -- we were both in our 30s -- I had the emotional maturity of a teenager. On top of that, we both lacked communication skills.

"I think it's fair to say the seeds of many destructive behaviors were present in the relationship throughout our engagement, but we tended to minimize them, or even to deny them, because we were so inexperienced that we didn't even recognize them for what they were."

Stop and think

Looking back, Catherine says she and her ex-husband became "emotionally and intellectually" divorced long before they legally parted ways.

If she had to do it over again, Catherine is sure she'd have taken advantage of at least one formal marriage preparation program.

"Anything that causes you to stop and really think before you walk down the aisle is a positive," she notes.

(02-13-97) [[In-content Ad]]