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Without exception, the spiritual masters, saints and sinners alike, tell us that the more we turn to the Lord, the more imbued we become with His presence, the deeper our trust in Him becomes - and the more we will feel unworthy.

I know: Isn't it supposed to be just the opposite? Isn't it that "really holy" people have this kind of glow that everyone is supposed to see, which comes from some inner radiance so full of God that reveals so obviously their inner peace?

That may also be so. The two are not mutually exclusive: deep feelings of unworthiness and profound peace and serenity. How can this be?

The inner peace we are talking about is something much different from "attitude" -- that calculated, cultivated "cool" that you can see on the street every day, which isn't very deep.

Attitude is often little more than a put-on -- a mask, really -- that could be covering up deep insecurity and anxiety, and perhaps also fear and even rage. It doesn't take much more than the tiniest pinprick to burst its bubble. Just occupy a fraction of an inch of many a "cool" chap's space and you'll soon find out that attitude has nothing to do with being calm and composed.

The likely outburst (you see it every day on the road) is a pretty good clue that this poor soul feels he or she is being disrespected, demeaned or somehow deprived of a great entitlement. These are more likely indicators of pride, not humility.

So, you might say that pride -- and the feeling of being slighted -- goes hand in hand with having a rather short fuse. Wounded pride may not be the only reason that people lose their "cool," of course, but it certainly seems to be a common one.

On the other hand, people who are quite humble tend to be more likely to put up with perceived slights and inconveniences caused by human failings. We must distinguish that from a kind of "false humility" in which a person accepts being treated unjustly and in a debased manner (that no one should find acceptable) because they have a poor sense of their own human dignity or -- which may be more common -- they lack the language skills to express what they really feel, or the courage to defend it.

Consider, now, the example of Jesus. It is clear that He had a very good idea of who He was and the honor that His dignity deserved. The voice He heard at the time of His baptism in the Jordan ("This is my beloved Son in whom I am well pleased," Mt 3:17) was an affirmation that He is not likely to have ever forgotten.

Yet, as we all know, Jesus tolerated a great deal of human ignorance and even outright disregard for His rightful status as the Incarnate Word. He was both humble and humbled ("Son though He was, He learned obedience by what He suffered," Heb 5:8).

This humility, however, was not born out of weakness or lack of self-esteem. It was a freely-chosen response to the Father's will that Jesus assume the lowliness of the human condition, including, ultimately, the debasement that our sins bring upon us, which He took upon Himself.

Despite the great humiliations that He suffered, however, Jesus remained always in peaceful communion with His Father. We know that He loved to pray and spent a good deal of His time in prayer, even during the most active days of His public ministry. He seems to have drawn much of His peace from His prayer - which gives us a pretty good idea of how important prayer is to our own peace of mind!

Isn't it strange, however, that the more Jesus prayed and the more He brought the mercy of God's love to so many people -- healing them spiritually, emotionally and physically -- the more opposition grew against Him, until it finally led to His execution!

Obviously, Jesus was not crucified for His own sins. He had none. Rather, His very goodness and mercy unleashed the violence and rage of so many sinners, those who clung to evil and whose evil thoughts, desires and deeds were exposed in the presence of such light and truth. Even still, Jesus prayed for their conversion and forgiveness (cf. Lk 23:34).

This is exactly what we may expect to happen to each of us as we draw into that light and truth that will overpower us as we come closer to Jesus. It will not only reveal what is wrong all around us, but also, perhaps even more disconcertingly, our own sinful patterns.

The peace that makes us glow is the same peace that will "out" the demons of our sins. It will make us feel more and more unworthy of God's mercy -- yet, at the same time, more dependent upon in, more aware of the warmth and intimacy of the caress of His grace.

One might call this "the wound" of love! It's amazing how, the holier we might become, the more we become aware of our own unworthiness -- of our sins! -- even as we receive God's peace. (Follow the Bishop at www.facebook.com/AlbanyBishopEd and on Twitter @AlbBishopEd.)[[In-content Ad]]

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