Teens find supporters in adults

While parents hope their teenage children can talk to them about everything, sometimes that's just not possible.

"Sometimes, you just can't talk to your parents," said 17-year-old K.C. Snow, a parishioner of Sacred Heart Church in Castleton. "There are times, if you have boyfriend problems or are dealing with peer pressure, that parents might get hysterical."

When K.C. wants to bounce ideas off of an adult other than her parents, she turns to her 21-year-old brother. "I don't have to worry what I say to him," she said.

Looking for help

Being afraid to approach parents is common, said Jeanne Cote, director of the Albany Diocesan Drug Education Ministry.

"Children are afraid to talk to parents," she said. "They are afraid their parents will be disappointed. Often, they want to talk to their parents, but the biggest block is that the parents want to solve the problems or blame."

Both scenarios are typical of life in a family with teenagers, Mrs. Cote said.

"The role of adolescence is to separate from the family and become independent," she said. "It's a good thing if our children can find someone, at least some other adult, as a positive role model. Our goal would be to have every adult be a positive role model."

Sounding board

If a teenager (or younger child) has an adult in their life like an aunt, uncle or teacher who is important to them, it can be hard on the parent, Mrs. Cote said.

But while it may be difficult for parents to watch their child go to someone else for advice, she said it can be the best thing for the child. "The more positive role models they have, the healthier they'll be," she said.

Her own involvement in her nieces' lives has been positive not only for the girls but also for their mother.

Mrs. Cote compared this to the African proverb that states "It take a village to raise a child." She also said, "It's being Christian. Those of us who are able to can pick up the slack. You don't have to be a parent to parent. There are people who don't have children who have good parenting skills."

How to help

Mrs. Cote encourages parents who want to improve their skills to find a parenting course or read one of the many books on the market on that topic. "There is no shame in wanting to improve," she said. "We can change ourselves."

Positive adult role models are important, Mrs. Cote said, so she encourages parents to get to know those people in their teen's lives if they don't already know them.

Young people are attracted to adults who understand them and treat them fairly. Youth also like honesty, Mrs. Cote said, noting that "young people are honest and don't put up with hypocrisy."

If adults want teens to respect them, the adults must also respect the teens. "We need to treat them with respect," she explained. "We try to treat them as children and not understand them. Teens have tremendous ideas. I'm amazed at their insights and compassion."

Positives

Carrie Boyd, an 18-year-old parishioner of Holy Cross Church in Salem, agreed. She said the adults she turns to seem to relate to teens. "They're down-to-earth," Carrie said. "No matter what you tell them, they wouldn't look badly at you."

There are several teachers at her school that she feels comfortable approaching for advice or guidance. "There's one Spanish teacher who always says `hi'," she said. "I don't even take Spanish."

Of these adult role models, Carrie said, "they can place themselves back when they were a teenager. They can recall what they were interested in. Things have changed, but they're still similar."

She thinks it's important to have adults to turn to. "Kids can be intimidated to talk to parents," she said. "They do want advice and guidance. Other adults can give you advice."

Valuable resource

Research shows the value of having outside guidance for teens and younger children, Mrs. Cote said. Studies of resiliency in children show that kids coming from bad circumstances could become healthy adults if they had at least one positive adult role model.

"If a young person has an adult in their life, it can change their life," she said.

She said people make bad choices because they don't know how to make good choices. Children coming from a dysfunctional home who get guidance from another adult can see how to live without the dysfunction.

"It all comes down to how that child feels about their own value," she said. "If they get positive messages, they're going to make positive choices."

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