Support group helps families with loved ones overseas

Families of soldiers at St. Michael the Archangel parish in Troy have vowed not to go it alone: As members of a newly-formed support group for families of active-duty soldiers and Reservists, they'll endure uncertainty about their loved ones' futures in the company of others.

For members of the military Reserve and their families, only one phone call counts: the one that summons them to war.

Shirley and Don O'Neil received that phone call last year. Their son, Matthew, a physical therapist in Saratoga and Army reservist, was given notice that he would be sent to a military hospital in Germany for an 18-month tour of duty.

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At first, his mother was angry and nervous. She found herself watching the news more than usual. Even now, she "jumps when the phone rings."

Mrs. O'Neil "wanted to turn those negative emotions into positive" ones. She turned to her pastor, Rev. Thomas Konopka, and inquired about starting an informal support group for families like hers, both within the parish and in the greater community.

He thought it was a good idea. The resulting group meets every four to six weeks for "a time to vent, a time to share and a time to be sociable," explained Mrs. O'Neil.

Fifteen people meet to share their emotions and experiences, and talk about ways to reach and support soldiers at war -- most of all, their own families.

Off to war

Bob and Peggy Kropp started attending meetings in April. The St. Michael's parishioners watched their son, Tom, go off to Iraq last year.

"It's a very hard experience," said Mrs. Kropp, "especially when you are not very military-minded. The whole thing was very foreign to us. We needed support, and a place to go without judgment."

The families haven't always found the outside world to be sympathetic. While Mrs. Kropp believes public support for troops is more evident than in the past, she believes "there are still ill feelings out there." Members of the group watch what they say about the war in supermarkets, at gatherings and in the workplace.

The group allows them to drop that constant apprehension: "These people know and experience it, too," said Mrs. Kropp.

Incommunicado

For the Kropps, the hardest part is the lack of communication.

"If something comes up, we can't pick up the phone and call him," she said. "We haven't heard from him in one month. I don't know where he is. Half my heart is in Iraq."

When they do hear from their son, said Mr. Kropp, emails are spotty and brief. Tom doesn't always have access to the internet, and he can't say anything about where he is or what he is doing.

The group is not concerned about debating the morality of the war in Iraq, said Father Konopka. Instead, they are concerned with the human side: the men and women fighting, and the civilians feeling the effects of war.

Meeting needs

"We could get stuck in theology and politics, whether it was right or wrong," he said. "But, as a Church and a community of faith, we need to be there for the people in need -- and, right now, they're the parents, brothers, siblings, and families."

"We're not doing this because we support the war," clarified Mrs. O'Neil. "We don't want to leave out the human side. Being a parent, I will sit at times and have watched the news when a boy is killed...you can just imagine what it's like for that soldier's mother or father. You wish you could reach out and be there. You think, 'Oh, my God, it could be one of our kids.'"

Other efforts

In an effort to do something for their loved ones overseas, the support group recently spearheaded the mailing of 37 boxes of toiletries, entertainment items and other necessities to troops in Iraq. Group members collected the items; St. Michael's Women's Guild took care of the postage.

The group also sponsored a session where children of soldiers were encouraged to talk about their situation and draw or write about what they were feeling, and plans to hold a Mass where soccer balls will be collected for Iraqi youth.

Despite their continuing efforts, the families live their lives on tenterhooks, trying to keep hope alive.

"The doorbell rings, and I don't want to answer it," said Mrs. Kropp, who remembers as a child seeing military cars driving down her street to bring the news of soldiers' deaths in another war to neighborhood families. "You hesitate to even go on vacation, in case you miss something that happens when you go away."

Although the group is sponsored by a Catholic church, meetings are ecumenical.

"For the Iraqi mother, is it any different than it is for me? We're mothers. It's the same. When you don't have peace, everybody's hurt," Mrs. Kropp said.

(The next meeting of the support group for military families, featuring two guest speakers, will be held July 28, 7 p.m., at St. Michael the Archangel Church in Troy. For information, call Shirley O'Neil, 283-2792.)

(7/15/04)