Support group gives clergy a place to laugh and cry

Rev. Charles Lockwood passed away in March, but the members of the support group for priests in which he participated hope to keep his memory alive in a special way: by encouraging other priests to develop the bond their group shares by starting support groups of their own.

"Part of our motivation to describe what we experience is to get other priests to get into this," explained group member Rev. Frank O'Connor, administrator of St. Patrick's parish, one of the Albany Center-City Cluster Parishes. "It's one of the things we could do for Charlie Lockwood, in his memory."

The 12 remaining members of the priests' support group do share a special bond. Several have been a part of the group since the program began in 1979, founded by Rev. Vincent Dwyer, a Trappist monk, and was spurred on in the Albany Diocese by then-Rev. Harry Flynn, who is now archbishop of St. Paul-Minneapolis.

Sharing together

Encouraged by Vatican II, approximately 15 priests' groups started simultaneously, but only a half-dozen still remain active in the Diocese.

Bishop Howard J. Hubbard belongs to one, and has encouraged other priests to find support through such groups. Several types exist, from "life-sharing" groups like Father Lockwood's to recreational or theme-focussed groups.

Rev. Frank Gilchrist, a retired priest, remembered his introduction to the support group nearly 17 years ago: "I was alone as a military chaplain for a long time. When I came back [to the Diocese], I wanted to reach out to my classmates. This group was a Godsend to me. We share our ups and downs; we support and affirm each other."

Brother priest

Father O'Connor is a more recent "transfer" to the group, having joined eight years ago. When he first heard about the support group, he said, "it resonated with my own need to have priests as brothers, especially since we're not going to have our own families."

The group meets monthly, usually spending 90 minutes sharing recent developments in their lives before "raiding the icebox" at St. Casimir's rectory in Albany, home to Fathers Gilchrist and O'Connor.

A typical meeting involves prayer, a period of silence, members' taking turns sharing their joys and concerns, another period of silence, and a time when members rank the expressed problems according to what most urgently needs to be discussed together.

Sharing wisdom

While they hesitate to give one another advice, the priests "share their wisdom" on whatever is troubling a member, said Father O'Connor.

Often, said group member Rev. John Malecki, staff psychologist at the diocesan Consultation Center, the priests can help each other even through their own struggles. "I see the priests ministering to each other as the wounded healer," he said. "I bring my wounds to this group, and we become healers to one another. The wound of others also touches the healer in me."

Meetings usually end with dinner, during which Father Malecki is often teased about being an avid Notre Dame fan; or Father O'Connor and fellow member Rev. John Weyand, pastor of St. Joseph's parish in Greenfield Center, make plans to go hiking together. Several members return the next day to meet again for an hour.

"At the dinner, there's a great deal of teasing and laughter," said Father Malecki. "It's a happy occasion."

Listening

However, the support group often does what its name implies for its members. The priesthood brings with it a unique set of struggles, and members said they find a "listening and understanding attitude" with one another.

"Celibacy has some difficulties," stated Father Gilchrist. "You don't have anybody to share interpersonal problems. You find, in the support group, men you can pour out your heart to. We've experienced situations where priests lost relatives. Now, with a couple of men, their parents are very sick."

Other problems the group has turned to one another about include dealing with domineering parishioners, facing illnesses of their own and dealing with parish life in general.

"A parish is a group of people gathered together not to make money, and it involves ordinary people, salaried people, partially-salaried people, volunteers. That mix can generate situations that are not always easy to deal with," explained Father Gilchrist.

Trust in group

Confiding in their fellow priests gives members "a level of trust seldom found" elsewhere, said Rev. Kenneth Tunny, a retired priest of the Diocese living at St. Paul's Church in Schenectady. "It's a place where you identify your foibles and your humanity."

At a time where most priests live alone in parish rectories, the support group members think of themselves as a family. "I believe it's a healthy family," said Father Malecki. "We bond and care for one another, but we also know our boundaries."

He compared the priests' support group to the groups for cancer survivors that meet at the Consultation Center. Members of each often say, "Being here with all of you, I get a sense of being understood with my own issues that not even my own family gives me. I know that each of these guys can put themselves in my shoes -- my confusion, pain, joy, frustration."

Grieving loss

This "family attitude" was most evident when the group faced the loss of Father Lockwood a few months ago.

"The way we dealt with the loss and grief of the death of Father Lockwood helped us to go back to our parishes," Father Malecki told The Evangelist. "We allowed ourselves tears, without apology, unashamedly, and giving time and space for our feelings."

"And we told our stories about him," Father O'Connor remembered.

Sharing stories about themselves and admitting their mistakes to one another has helped members to discover their best qualities, the priests agreed.

"We discover our own strengths, gifts, positive qualities that we didn't appreciate," Father Malecki said. "We have an enormous bond of love."

Community

Sometimes, the members even point out negatives. As priests, they explained, people may not tell them when they are wrong about something, or parishioners may talk about their mistakes behind their backs.

Instead, the group helps them to learn from their mistakes -- and, as Father O'Connor put it, "wring out the humor" in every situation to give each other a new perspective.

"This is a form of community," Father Gilchrist stated firmly. "During the summer, even though we don't meet formally, we manage to get together at least once," either at a member's camp or at The Priory retreat house in Chestertown. Members also call one another between meetings and spend time together.

Lately, group meetings have included some reminiscing about Father Lockwood. Father Malecki shared that "I like to feel his good spirit is alive in us. He loved the group."

Pluses

Without the group, the priests said, they would be "crabbier, more anxious," and more likely to seek unhealthy compensations for their lack of support. By sharing their group's purpose with others, the group hopes to honor Father Lockwood's memory and hopes that other priests begin similar support groups.

Father O'Connor said simply: "There isn't anybody walking this earth who doesn't have problems. We hope that what we do can set the kind of environment so that they would feel attracted to this."

(For more information on priests' support groups, call Rev. Thomas Powers of the Ministry to Priests Board at 453-6670.)

(06-19-97) [[In-content Ad]]