Suffering is a part of life, say counselors

In a culture that has adopted a win-lose, live-die mentality, there is often no room for anything in between, including suffering.

But for those who live with a chronic illness, disability or the effects of sexual abuse, suffering can be a vehicle for living life in a more meaningful way, say the presenters of "Suffering, Compassion and Change," a two-part workshop to be offered by the diocesan Consultation Center.

Rev. John J. Malecki, staff psychologist at the center, and Patricia A. Fennell, of Albany Health Management, Inc. in Latham, have found in their work with those living with a chronic condition that there is value and meaning to suffering that can lead to a fuller understanding of life and a deeper relationship with God.

'Powerful change'

Father Malecki shared the story of "Esther," a woman in one of his group therapy sessions who was struggling to live with a rare and incurable disease, Interstitial Cystitis. After working with the group, Esther found that the suffering she experienced with her illness transformed her life.

"There was a deepening sense that God was in her," Father Malecki said. "This was a powerful change. For her, God was not out there, but active within her.

"It was in the midst of darkness and despair that Esther had the experience of discovering divinity within her rather than in some organized structure. She had felt the experience of God within her as a source of meaning, purpose and energy," Father Malecki explained.

Long process

Those changes in Esther didn't come quickly. She lived with the disease for five years before actually being diagnosed. During that time, she went from doctor to doctor looking for relief from her intense pain and discomfort.

As she did, she underwent unnecessary surgeries and drug regimens. By the time she was diagnosed, there was relief in having a diagnosis, but despair that she would live the rest of her life with this disease.

BY the time she came to the therapy group, she was contemplating calling Dr. Kevorkian, Father Malecki said.

Culture and suffering

Esther was not alone in her despair, according to Ms. Fennell, who noted that American culture does not have time for pain.

"Our culture is intolerant of suffering," she said. "We are achievement- and acquisition-oriented. Suffering is not seen as doing this. It takes time out of capitalistic pursuits."

Ours is also a culture that blames the sufferer, Ms. Fennell reported. "We are a culture that is intolerant of suffering and ambiguity. We like our diseases acute rather than chronic," she explained.

When someone becomes ill, healthy family and friends begin to think of reasons the person is sick, she explained. "We think of things we wouldn't do so that it won't happen to us. We think `that could be me.' We think it must be their fault; that way, it won't happen to me."

Part of living

Both counselors agree that suffering is a part of life.

The first step to integrating suffering into life, according to Father Malecki, is accepting that life is difficult. After doing that, a person can begin working on how to live with meaning and purpose.

According to Ms. Fennell, it is important to develop emotional muscles for suffering. While those living with a chronic illness (an incurable disease that lasts a lifetime) can't expect to heal physically, they can heal psychologically, she said.

First, the sufferer must deal with the trauma. That includes the illness itself, the thoughts that go with it, and the differences in the way people approach them.

According to Ms. Fennell, family and friends begin to treat a chronically ill person differently. "You get put in a no-win position," she explained. "If you succeed at doing something, people are amazed you could do it despite your illness. If you fail, people say it's because of your illness. It makes you react even harder."

Changing life

The second stage includes stabilizing and restructuring life. Father Malecki explained this includes coming to a holistic definition of self. Esther, like other people he has worked with, defined herself solely by her profession. An illness can prevent a person from practicing her profession, which leads her to feel that she is no longer herself.

It can also be difficult for the person to like her body, since the illness has caused such a dramatic upheaval. This stabilizing and restructuring of life also includes coming to terms with diet, exercise and other changes that accompany a chronic illness. Often, a person needs to schedule time for daily naps or learn to let go of housework.

The third stage, Ms. Fennell said, is developing meaning. The person must explore the thoughts that can accompany an illness. These thoughts include, "Why me?" and "I want to die," she explained.

The final stage is maintaining one's standing with oneself. This means knowing and accepting the self, with all of its parts, including the illness. In this stage, a person learns to integrate their illness into their life and identity.

New awareness

Once Esther worked through those stages, the way she lived changed.

"What surfaced to her awareness was the constant wish for things to be different in regard to the disease and pain," Father Malecki said. "She experienced a noticeable shift in her psyche when she was willing to give up the wish for things to be different."

According to Father Malecki, incorporating suffering into life follows the same steps, regardless of the cause of the suffering. These stages apply to mental illness, sexual abuse and other aspects of life.

Final days

These stages are also applicable to the terminally ill. Father Malecki told the story of an Albany diocesan priest with cancer who came to terms with his disease and gained a new meaning of life from it.

"He knows his pain is going to go on day after day. It's not going to get better," Father Malecki said. "He is bearing the suffering through the symbol of the cross. That transforms attitude."

According to Father Malecki, the priest said, "I look at the symbol of Jesus Christ on the cross, and it gives me meaning and purpose. I learn the meaning to my suffering, and I feel whole. Participating in God's suffering gives meaning and purpose."

Christ suffered

Father Malecki said that Christ teaches what the suffering patient needs to live by: faith, hope, love and understanding. He pointed out that Christ, too, suffered. A belief in God plays an important role in transforming suffering.

In working with his clients, Father Malecki tells them of the power their suffering can have when it includes God.

"Each time they make a decision to accept the suffering, it makes the world a better place," he explained. "That kind of suffering alters the universe for the better. This idea transforms attitudes."

("Suffering, Compassion and Change" will be held Feb. 20 and 27, 7-9 p.m., at the Pastoral Center in Albany. The cost is $35. For more information, contact the Consultation Center at 489-4431.)

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