Success of blended families topic of workshop

When step-families step back from their situation and look at their family life objectively, they find good things about being a part of a blended family.

"People see the step-family as negative," said Elizabeth Reid, a certified marriage and family therapist. "The positive is the child has more resources. Kids do better with a lot of adults in their lives."

Ms. Reid will co-facilitate "Step Back, Step Forward" an upcoming workshop for stepparents sponsored by the diocesan Family Life Office. Mary Moriarty, associate director of the Family Life Office will be co-facilitator.

Sense of hope

The two want to provide stepfamilies with the resources they need to have a successful family.

"We want to give them a sense of hope and a sense of strength," Mrs. Moriarty said. "They can have the family they want. There are resources out there; they don't have to walk alone."

While there are benefits to life in a blended family, these families have more complicated issues to deal with than traditional families. For example, the couple has to deal not only with in-laws, but also other extended family members.

"You're now part of a huge parenting coalition," Ms. Reid said. "There's your partner, your ex, their ex, your parents, your ex's parents, your spouse's parents. It requires a level of calmness that most of us can't handle."

In pain

The Family Life Office decided to offer the workshop after getting several requests while doing remarriage preparation.

"We needed to address the issue," Mrs. Moriarty said. "These people are sitting in the pew in pain. We need to take a pastoral approach. Annulments are given at a much higher rate than before. A natural consequence is that we have to deal with a new family. The Church is aware of the pain and loneliness people feel after divorce; we don't want them to walk alone."

The workshop will address several issues, including the couple relationship, biological relationships and the developmental stages of childhood.

No honeymoon

One of the challenges to couples in blended families is that they start the marriage off with children, Mrs. Moriarty said. "There is no honeymoon period," she said. "There are kids there. It doesn't give them the adjustment time that other marriages have."

The challenges children face in adjusting to life in a new blended family vary based on their age, Ms. Reid said, adding: "Developmentally, the tasks get more complex as they age."

Mrs. Moriarty agreed, saying, "The older the child, the more difficult the transition. They have to go through the grieving process."

Differences

While members of blended families have much in common with one another, like all families, they are unique. When it comes to how a parent treats their biological children in the blended family, Ms. Reid has seen a range of behaviors.

"Some are more protective [of the child], while others want to get rid of the child because the child reminds them of their former spouse," she said. "After a divorce, parents need to get their lives together and often the needs of the child are distant."

While dealing with biological children is a challenge, so, too, is dealing with stepchildren. "It is equally difficult [parenting stepchildren and biological children]," Ms. Reid explained. "Each child is unique."

The workshop will provide blended families with the opportunity to access the resources they need. "It's an educational workshop," Ms. Reid said. "You can't resolve things in one day. This is to enrich stepfamily life. It takes three to five years for successful blending of family. If you can get civility in the first year, that's something."

("Step Back, Step Forward," sponsored by the Family Life Office, will be held March 7, 10 a.m.-4 p.m. at the Diocesan Pastoral Center in Albany. Pre-registration is required. The fee is $10 per person or $15 per couple. To register, call 453-6677.)

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