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Forgiving is not forgetting.

As children, "we're told to forgive and forget," said Sister Connie Messitt, CSJ, a spiritual director and director of The Priory Retreat House in Chestertown. "But forgiveness isn't so simple. It's a process."

Rev. Frank Desiderio, CSP, is a national retreat leader on the subject of forgiveness. Forgiv-ing, he said, is remembering the offense - but remembering it differently.

"Forgiveness is remembering the incident without the pain," he explained.

Father Desiderio is executive producer of the documentary "The Big Question," a movie that tells the stories of people who have overcome great hurts and learned to forgive. He is also a Paulist priest. The Paulist order strives to promote justice, healing, reconciliation and forgiveness.

According to the two experts, forgiveness is both a process and a decision that takes time.

At his retreats and seminars, Father Desiderio teaches people how to forgive. He uses the acronym "LET GO" to teach the five steps of forgiveness:

• The first step is to look deeply at what went wrong;

• the next step is to feel empathy for the other person;

• this is followed by telling the story differently;

• next is giving the gift of forgiveness;

• the final step is to take it one day at a time.

Father Desiderio suggests writing about the incident that caused the hurt. He said to write down the facts about what happened, then the feelings generated by the incident.

"Once you can name the feeling, then you can discard it," he said.

Prayer is an important part of the road to forgiveness, said both Sister Connie and Father Desi-derio: "The stages of praying for the other person include admitting you don't want to pray for them," he told The Evangelist.

Those prayers often go through many stages, including praying through gritted teeth that the other person gets what they deserve, and praying that God will cause what you wish to happen to him or her.

Eventually, however, prayers will turn toward God giving the other person what he or she needs, what God wishes to give them.

"It's okay to bring your anger into prayer," Father Desiderio said. "Tell God that you're angry."

Sister Connie noted that a person struggling to forgive may ask God to forgive the other until they are able to do so.

There are two types of forgiveness, said the experts:

• Decisional forgiveness is when the offended person decides to renounce the right to revenge and release the offender from any emotional debt.

• Emotional forgiveness involves feeling differently about the other person. Father Desiderio said the offended person doesn't condemn the other any more, doesn't want revenge and may feel sympathy, compassion or love.

"It may take a long time to go from decisional forgiveness to emotional forgiveness," he added.

Sister Connie said that a person trying to forgive may find it helpful to work with a counselor or a spiritual director: "People need another person to talk to."

It's important, she said, for people to understand the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. She said a person may forgive another, but it might not be a good idea to be reconciled with the offender.

"Sometimes there is confusion between reconciliation and forgiveness," she said. "People feel guilty that they aren't able to be in the other's presence."

Father Desiderio agreed. He said that, in cases of abuse, the victim may forgive the offender, but it may not be safe for the pair to be in the same room.

Those on the journey towards forgiveness should remember to take it one day at a time, he said: "Forgiveness is always in the present. It is a daily decision and a way of life."

(05/06/10) [[In-content Ad]]

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