School comforted students when three parents died

Second grade is when children at St. Jude's School in Wynantskill prepare for First Communion. Second grade is also a time to learn about respect and consideration, and to understand money and how to make change.

No one expects a second-grader to have to deal with the loss of a classmate's parent, much less three of them. But three parents of second graders at St. Jude's passed away in less than a year -- all suddenly and unexpectedly -- and all with students who have the same teacher, Kris Reardon.

"When the third one happened, [the principal] kept looking at me like, 'You've got to break at some point,'" Ms. Reardon remarked. "I talked to anybody who would listen" about the tumult of emotions that came up as she grieved parents she knew and liked -- one of whom was a former high-school classmate and friend.

First death

Cathleen Carney, the principal, recalled getting the news of each death (some names and details have been withheld to protect privacy).

After the first loss, that of a boy's father who lived out of the area, Ms. Carney and Rev. Salvatore Rodino, pastor, went into each classroom and told the children that the parent had "died and gone home to God."

"You have to be honest up-front," Ms. Carney told The Evangelist. "You take your cues from the children."

They explained the cause, answered questions from the children, sent letters home to parents, talked about the loss at the school's morning prayer gathering and offered counseling by a parent who is a psychologist.

Second death

A few months later, a brother and sister came to school one morning not knowing that their mother, well-known throughout the school for her volunteerism, had just died.

"It was a blow to the whole community," said Ms. Carney.

She and Ms. Reardon recalled giving students the news once again. And again, they demanded to know: "What causes your brain to stop?" and "How do you know when someone's going to have a heart attack?"

"Children want to know, 'How is this going to affect me? Can that happen to my parents?'" Ms. Reardon explained. "Some children get clingy with mom and dad; a couple would say [to me], 'You're not going anywhere, are you?' I'd say, 'No, I'm right here.'"

Peer to peer

The boy who had lost his father just months before offered to give advice to the fellow second-grader who had just lost his mother.

He also warned his classmates, "When he comes back to class, don't ask him any questions. Too many questions hurt."

Students talked about how to help their grieving classmates. They decided to make sympathy cards, pray for them and make sure to eat lunch together.

Ms. Carney was touched at "a child's way of giving to another child."

Sympathy

Many younger students informed school staff that they sympathized with the children who had lost parents because they, too, had lost someone -- often a family pet.

The principal pointed out that, to a child, this isn't trivializing the loss, because "in kindergarten and first grade, that's how they equate it."

After each death, students talked about it for a couple of days, then moved on. Ms. Reardon said that most often, the children questioned their parents about death and accepted their reassurances.

Third death

Then Christopher Burch was the third parent of a second-grader to die within an 11-month period. His widow, Rebecca, recounted her husband's death in an interview with The Evangelist.

On the morning of Nov. 2, she recalled, "I was going to work. I tried to wake him, but he wasn't responsive. I called 9-1-1; I tried CPR. He'd had a heart attack. He was 32."

Seven-year-old Cassandra was in the next room. "She was screaming, 'Is my daddy dead?' I told her to stay in her room. I didn't want her to see him that way."

Final day

The day before his death, Mr. Burch had brought his daughter's forgotten snack to her at school. Cassandra remembered that he had told her he loved her.

Four days later, Cassandra attended his funeral and then said, "Mom, I want to go back to class."

"It was her way of dealing with it," Mrs. Burch noted. "She had a pillow that had [been] in the casket that said 'Daddy' on it; she wanted it with her."

Cassandra's classmates, shocked to see her back so soon, rallied and welcomed her. Her best friend gave her a hug; students gave her the cards they had made. Mrs. Burch called it "sad and cute at the same time."

Grieving

By now, the school had learned that children don't process grief like adults.

"They move on quickly," Ms. Reardon observed. "A lot of parents will put on the kids what they think they should be feeling, but a lot times, [the children] have dealt with it and are okay with it."

All the students wanted to know what they could do to help out their classmate. The school took up collections for the Burch family, "adopting" them for Christmas and starting a tuition fund for the children.

Cassandra's baby sister, Katelyn, was just four months old when Mr. Burch died. The students at St. Jude's have declared her their collective "little sister" and said, "We're going to take care of her."

Twenty-one cents

One small gesture was overwhelming to every adult who heard about it: After watching her mother write a check for the Burches, a little girl stopped her mother from sealing the envelope.

"Wait," she said -- and emptied her piggy bank of a dime, two nickels and a penny, insisting that be added.

"She wanted to donate it to my family," Mrs. Burch told The Evangelist, crying. Ms. Carney later singled the child out at a school gathering for that act of selflessness.

Lingering effects

Children might move on quickly, but the adults at St. Jude's have had to carry on with their work while still working through their grief.

Ms. Reardon recalled having to calmly listen as one of the children who had lost a parent described in detail saying goodbye to his father; another child happily told the class, "Today's my mom's birthday!" while Ms. Reardon wondered whether to intervene and make sure the boy really understood the fact that his mother had died.

Ms. Carney has learned to drop whatever she's doing when a child or parent stops by, needing to talk. "One little girl likes to wander into my office and just talk about her mother, so we do that," the principal explained.

Mrs. Burch said that Cassandra was initially concerned about crying at school. When Ms. Carney heard that, she said, "Feel free to cry; we'll just go and give you a big hug."

Rainbows

The principal believes in being strong for the school community, saying that, as the school's leader, "you set the tone in the building. It's not easy, because you yourself are feeling a deep sense of loss and sadness. I [had] my private moments of tears, because I was close to those parents."

Each of children whose parent died became involved in "Rainbows," a support group for kids experiencing a loss. The students in Rainbows eat lunch together and talk about grief.

Mrs. Burch told The Evangelist that one boy approached her when she was visiting the school and said, "I know your husband died, and I know he died of a heart attack."

"I said, 'You're absolutely right,'" she remembered, adding: "The school handled it well. They prepared the kids."

Changes

The losses have changed the people of St. Jude's in ways they found difficult to express. Ms. Reardon pointed out that when the school planned a "women's night out" for parents, many mothers requested they book a speaker to discuss signs of a heart attack in women.

"There are parents taking this to heart, taking care of themselves better," the teacher noted.

Ms. Reardon herself tries to "hold people closer" now, explaining that "I've gotten closer again with a lot of people I'd grown up with."

Support systems

All the adults talked about the need to continue the children's familiar routines to help them feel secure.

For other schools dealing with similar losses, Ms. Reardon advised: "Keep in mind that you may be the only support this family has. As much as you can give is never too much."

Mrs. Burch said her family has been buoyed by that support. A nurse at Samaritan Hospital in Troy, she said she often tells people, "I have my immediate family, my nursing family and my St. Jude family. If I could give everybody a big hug, I would."

(Kris Reardon recalled school officials reminding her class about heaven, saying that the parents who died "are not just gone; they're in a different place" and "the sadness is for us, because we're the ones missing them." To learn more about the Rainbows program, contact Cathy Golas, director of prevention services for the diocesan Catholic Schools Office, at 453-6666.)

(1/25/07) [[In-content Ad]]