Roll of dice brought shame to their family

These days, Mrs. Tague has another view of gambling. It's the perspective of her husband, Lawrence, whom she sees every Saturday behind the bars of a state prison.

Mr. Tague, the former county treasurer for Schoharie County, embezzled a quarter of a million dollars from the county to support his compulsive gambling habit. He turned himself in last May and is now serving a three- to nine-year sentence.

Addiction

For the Tagues, it was both.

"I never really had any indication that there was a problem until the end of May, when my husband told me what he had done," said Mrs. Tague, a parishioner of St. Joseph's church in Schoharie. "I knew he gambled, but all the bills were paid. When you can afford it, you don't recognize it as a problem."

Outstanding family

But Mr. Tague, who was in poor health, was advised by his doctor to retire in December 1995. Suddenly, his $40,000-a-year income dwindled to Social Security disability checks -- and no way to finance his gambling habit.

Secret gambling

During a five-year span before his retirement, Mr. Tague had also borrowed money from estates that he was administrator for, replacing it and borrowing more until he had stolen $250,000 -- a sum he could not possibly replace.

"I came home for lunch one day and he said, `We have to talk. I'm in serious trouble,'" Mrs. Tague recounted. "I couldn't imagine what he could be talking about. He said, `I gamble a lot more than you know, and I took some money that doesn't belong to me -- and there's no way in the world we can pay it back. I have to turn myself in.'"

Shame in public

"It was so public," she said quietly. "I feel it couldn't possibly have done to me or to our sons what it had done to himself. When he realized what he had done, it positively crushed him."

However, one issue on which the Tagues stood firm was that Mr. Tague had a gambling problem, an addiction he needed help to control.

"He'd go to OTB every day and see all these other people there every day, and say, `Boy, there's something wrong with him -- he's here every day,'" Mrs. Tague said. "That's a typical reaction: They have a problem and you don't."

Getting help

"This is an addiction, just like all the alcoholics that are walking around," Mrs. Tague asserted. "I am not at all angry with Larry. Our relationship is just like it always was; he's my life, I love him to death."

The Tagues first tried counseling as a couple, which ended when Mr. Tague's prison sentence began. Mrs. Tague continued to go to individual counseling; recently, her husband was able to participate in group counseling via a speaker phone from jail.

"The state prison system has no counseling system for problem gambling," Mrs. Tague explained. But "I've been married to him for 30 years, and something is wrong with him for him to have done this."

Struggling along

Worse yet has been the public attention the couple has endured. "There are people who cross the street to avoid me, still; people in the grocery store who do one of these," said Mrs. Tague, demonstrating a double-take. "We've lost a few acquaintances."

However, she added, "Anybody that was a true friend in the first place is still our friend. The people at St. Joseph's have been really supportive."

Counseling has helped Mrs. Tague accept their situation. "The best part of it is being with other people who understand," she said. "A lot of people say, `Well, so what? I can play cards on Saturday night, and I don't have a problem with it.' People blow it off as being an excuse. But in group, you are with people who realize it's a very real addiction."

People with problems

"They don't perceive it as a problem," she said. "The community doesn't perceive it as a problem that Granny is out at Bingo every night of the week. Ordinary people don't have to go to Bingo every night, don't have to go to the OTB every time they pass one. If you have to do this, you have a problem."

Each week, Mrs. Tague joins other spouses of compulsive gamblers to talk about her week. Since she is one of only a few members whose spouses are still in prison for the illegal acts that supported their gambling, her experiences are often different than her groupmates'.

"They say, `He didn't go to OTB this week,'" she said. "I talk about what my visit was like with him on the weekend.'"

Moving on

"In the beginning, you do keep going over it and over it, the `what ifs,'" she added. "But you also get to a point where you realize the 'if onlys' mean nothing."

The Tagues' faith has been a stronghold in the past months. Mr. Tague attends Mass in prison, joined a Bible study group and hopes to share his experience with others when he is released. Mrs. Tague starts every day by saying, "Good morning, God; help me get through today."

"Everybody sins," she stated firmly. "If you believe God will forgive you, then you can forgive yourself, and you worry less about what other people think."

Do you have a gambling problem? Ask yourself the following questions:

* Have I neglected responsibilities to concentrate on gambling?

* Have I gambled with money designated for household expenses?

* Have I spent retirement funds to gamble?

* We've all fantasized about big winnings, but do I believe all losses can be won back?

* Have I ever committed (or considered committing) an illegal act to finance gambling?

* Have I ever gambled to get money with which to pay debts, or otherwise solve financial difficulties?

Warning signs for significant others: Do you...

* Hide your money, credit cards and/or checkbook from the gambler?

* Work two or three jobs to make ends meet?

* Cover up for the gambler by calling in sick for him/her or lying to people about where he or she is?

* Notice missing money or cash advances on credit cards?

* Have creditors or strange people (bookies) calling your house looking for the gambler?

* Bail the gambler out to keep him or her from getting in trouble?

If you said yes to any of those questions, you may need help with a gambling problem. To contact the Center for Problem Gambling, call 462-6531. (KB)

(01-23-97)

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