Retorno provides couples with food for thought

The program was initiated in Spain in 1970 by Rev. Gabriel Calvo, a Catholic priest who was the originator of Marriage Encounter. The first Retorno weekend held in the U.S. was in 1972 in Tucson, Arizona.

Today, Retorno can be found in 43 states, including New York. On a recent weekend, the program was held on the Siena College campus in Loudonville. It was led by Retorno team directors: Rev. Julian Davies, OFM, and Lillie and Dave James of Loudonville.

Getting healthier

According to Father Davies, Retorno is not the same as Marriage Encounter. It is not a prayer group experience nor a Scripture study course. It does not encourage any particular apostolic endeavor.

"There is no structured follow-up to the Retorno," he said. "Rather, it is the deepening of a couple's marriage, spirituality and prayer."

God and couple

"Initially, Marriage Encounter provides them with the tools to take those steps. Marriage Retorno was born from a desire on the part of married couples who had previously experienced a Marriage Encounter weekend and found themselves yearning for a deeper spiritual experience. People in Spain brought these concerns to the founder of Marriage Encounter, and Father Calvo then developed the Retorno program."

The weekend consists of four phases: a period of reconciliation as husband and wife, followed by three phases in which God is encountered through Scripture readings as Father, Son and Holy Spirit.

Deepening

"It is a period of reading, writing and sharing between husband and wife about their marriage, the level of trust and openness in their relationship, and the barriers to deeper union with each other," he explained.

Each phase has a sequence of steps: presentation by the team; a period of private, written reflection and couple dialogue; orientation to selected passages of Scripture; a period of personal prayer followed by a period of prayer as a couple; review as husband and wife; and faith sharing with the other couples making the weekend.

"The phases deal with God's working and presence in the couple as Father, as Lord and brother, and in God's Spirit, as the One who covenants the couple with Himself," the priest said. "The focus is on God's gifting the couple to be witnesses of His love and unity to the world around them. Retorno is based on a Trinitarian theology and a sacramental understanding of marriage."

Couple of experts

"There were over 20 couples [at our] first weekend," recalled Mrs. James. "It was hectic!"

Over the years, however, they have seen the popularity of both Marriage Encounter and Retorno weekends dwindle, both locally and on a national level.

"The 1980s were the heyday of these weekends," said Mr. James. "Couples flocked to them in their search for spirituality and renewal as a result of the changes suggested by the Second Vatican Council. They are still somewhat popular in the southwest. Tucson has three or four per month, but here we usually schedule only two a year."

Reasons for drop-off

"People are not necessarily at the same spot in their beliefs and conceptions when it comes to God and their own sexuality," Mr. James noted. "Some people seem hesitant and are reluctant to share their innermost feelings on these issues, even with their spouse.

"We will often see a couple attend where one spouse is eager to come to the weekend and the other has been reluctant. Sometimes, getting them through the weekend is like taking them to the dentist; they are glad they have come but have some speculation as to where it will lead them."

Fear of unknown

Couples don't really know what to expect, they said, and ask such questions as "Is their faith going to be tested? Will they be forced to take risks in revealing their beliefs or concerns to strangers or their own spouses?" But there is none of that in Retorno.

"We believe that God works in each individual and in each couple where and when He knows they are ready for that intervention," said Mr. James. "It has been our experience that once a couple has completed the weekend, they almost never are disappointed that they have participated. Usually, everyone goes home feeling good about what they have accomplished, both individually and as a couple."

Over the years, the James have seen couples of all ages come to experience Marriage Retorno, from "young people to couples in their 80s. Retorno is for everyone."

Rewards

* Discovering the reality of their relationship as a couple;

* Becoming more aware of the presence and activity of God as Father, Son and Holy Spirit, in their marriage;

* Discerning what God is revealing to them through Scripture (the heart of Marriage Retorno);

* Acting and responding as a married couple to what God is revealing through His word;

* Discovering ways in which to read Scripture, write their personal feelings about what each reading means to them and then sharing their revelation with each other.

Glad they came

"I thank God for the opportunity to share prayer time together with my husband," said one woman. "I have finally learned the way he prays. Now, after all these years, we can pray together."

Another participant said: "I've been so wishy-washy in my faith in the past. I always put it on the back burner. Experiencing this weekend has brought it to the front again. This has been a good experience for me."

"I'm especially thankful for the opportunity this weekend has given us," a man remarked. "My wife and I have gone deep into our own spirituality. The Scripture readings have been very helpful and satisfying."

(To read more about Marriage Retorno, Marriage Encounter and Catholic family life, access Father Gabriel Calvo's website at www.firesfamily.org. For information on local Retorno weekends, call Lillie and Dave James at 785-5235.)

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