Program offers option to troubled spouses

Couples struggling in a marriage often think they have only two options -- divorce or staying in a painful marriage. But couples in Herkimer County have a Third Option.

The Third Option is a counselor-facilitated support group that utilizes the testimonies of "back-from-the-brink" couples who have already overcome marital difficulties.

The program, which originated in the Syracuse Diocese and has spread all over the United States, is run by Catholic Charities of Herkimer County.

Tackling problems

Ruth Schaffer, coordinator of the program, said the program can help couples begin to tackle the challenges in their marriages.

"It instills hope where there's hopelessness," she said. "It opens them up to change so they can move away from blame."

Couples coming to the group are struggling with a range of problems, Ms. Schaffer said, including infidelity, depression, domestic violence, separation and verbal abuse. One couple who came to the group had been married for nearly 30 years and had grown apart so much so that they were more like roommates than husband and wife.

Talking it over

Twice a month, participants in the Third Option meet for two-hour sessions and discuss such topics as anger, blame, expectations, personality differences, communication skills, power struggles, emotional baggage, respect, forgiveness, trust and control issues.

"The program's focus is self-change," Ms. Schaffer said. "We want to help them to recognize what they're doing."

The "back-from-the-brink" couples play an important role in the program, she noted, because they serve as examples of how a marriage can be repaired. These couples have been reconciled for at least a year.

"This is an opportunity for couples to help others," said David Bruce, executive director of Catholic Charities of Herkimer County.

Warning

Third Option promotional materials list several marriage warning signs. Couples who might be interested in Third Option may fight constantly or hardly speak, spend more and more time away from each other, have threatened to leave or have left, have lost interest in sex or even touching, suspect an affair or entertain fantasies of an affair, or feel trapped, misunderstood, taken for granted or angry all of the time.

The free program is confidential and open both to couples who are still living together and to those who are separated.

(Third Option will meet on June 29 at the Newman House on Sherman Drive in Utica. For more information, call 315-894-9917.)

(06-18-98) [[In-content Ad]]