April 6, 2018 at 1:53 p.m.
FUNERALS
Priests deal with families' grief -- and their own
The Romans were Latham residents and parishioners of OLA. Rev. Geoffrey Burke, pastor, said he knew them well and mourned just as his parish did.
"The more you know a person," he said, "sometimes it's harder."
Several priests spoke with The Evangelist about providing comfort to grieving families when they themselves are mourning a loss, particularly a tragic one.
After the Latham tragedy, OLA hosted calling hours and a gathering afterward for Mr. Roman, while his wife and youngest son's funeral services were held in Port Jervis, Mrs. Roman's hometown.
Priests' feelings
Father Burke said he deals with his grief by opening up to other priests, relying on them for support and confidentiality. Taking care of one's parish and its grieving families, he said, starts with taking care of oneself.
According to Rev. Thomas Konopka, a clinical social worker who heads the diocesan Consultation Center in Albany and also serves as sacramental minister for St. Clare's parish in Colonie, "a priest does the same thing anyone else does. After we help the family, we have to take time for ourselves to go through our own feelings and our own process."
Father Konopka, who has a master's degree in social work, said it can be damaging if a priest or anyone else who's mourning internalizes that grief.
"We live in an imperfect world," he told The Evangelist. A priest who preaches about the positive and the negative must also "be face to face with the tragedy.
"We have to be our own best listeners," he added.
For Rev. Joseph O'Brien, pastor at Holy Spirit parish in East Greenbush, taking care of his own feelings around presiding at funerals can be as simple as taking a walk or getting a cup of coffee with a close friend.
"I have to realize that I need some help along the way too," he told The Evangelist, admitting that sometimes it can be humbling to accept the help of others.
Constant concern
Father Burke is also chaplain to St. Joseph's Provincial House in Latham, which puts him in the position of presiding at many funerals for Sisters of St. Joseph - sometimes even weekly.
"I have celebrated more funerals than I would like to think of. When you lose a friend, you lose a friend," he said. The priest keeps a picture in his office of two sisters who passed away.
One of the most difficult situations for clergy, said Father Burke, is presiding at the funeral Mass of a family member. Although he also described the experience as a blessing, he said it's hard to be in the roles of both a grieving relative and a priest.
Knowing that the family member would want his presence helps, though. "There are very tender moments," he said. The most recent diocesan statistics on the numbers of sacraments celebrated in the Albany Diocese note that, in 2014, parishes had about 3,050 baptisms and more than 740 weddings, but nearly 4,100 funerals.
Leaning on faith while dealing with grief helps priests to reach out when they need help, to talk to God and to gain perspective on the situation.
"God offers healing and relief, peace and security in ways that go beyond anything we can do," said Father O'Brien.
Making connections
It's important for a pastor to get to know parishioners in order to make the connections that will make make the priest a resource for a grieving family, Father Burke noted: "The most important thing is to be present to the people. Sometimes, you don't understand what the [grieving] person is going through. The more that you know the people at your parish, [the more likely it is that] you have that connection."
Often, he said, when long-time parishioners pass away, they leave a kind of hole in the parish, an empty seat in their pew at Mass.
Helping parishioners and family members mourn a loss can be helpful to Father Burke's own healing process, he said. "My first approach is to listen," he explained. "You just don't know where people are until they have the chance to open up a little bit; then you can begin to guide them."
Father O'Brien, when pondering grief, tends to think of Michelangelo's Pietà , the sculpture of the body of Jesus after the crucifixion in the arms of His mother, Mary. He first saw the sculpture on a class trip to Rome when he was a freshman at Catholic Central High School in Troy.
"I remember one of our teachers had just talked about the idea that our God cries with us," he said. "We need to hold each other up and wipe each other's tears." [[In-content Ad]]
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