`Pathfinders' supports grieving children

Anyone who has ever suffered the loss of a loved one knows that grief is a journey -- not an event. At times, the road travelled by those in mourning feels rough or frightening; at other times, it is lonely or confusing. For many, it seems endless.

The important thing, bereavement counselors associated with St. Peter's Hospice agree, is that the road to grief recovery need not be traveled alone. That's where Pathfinders comes into the picture. Founded two years ago by St. Peter's Hospice, Pathfinders offers peer support sessions and retreats aimed at helping children navigate their way through the maze of mixed emotions that typically accompany the grieving process.

Those emotions, say bereavement coordinators Sandy Esslie and Eileen Clinton, run the gamut from anger, denial, confusion and jealousy to fear, guilt, loneliness and sorrow.

Through a creative combination of art, music, discussion and play, Pathfinders helps grieving kids realize they are not alone and that what they are feeling is normal. Equally important, young participants are taught skills designed to help them cope with their feelings so they can live emotionally healthy lives once again.

It's important to remember, say bereavement facilitators, that no two children -- and no two deaths -- are exactly alike. In some cases, the death of a parent, sibling, cousin, grandparent, friend or other loved one may have followed a long illness during which the child witnessed his or her loved one endure tremendous suffering. Or the end may have come like a bolt from the blue, as in an automobile accident. In some cases, the death may have been accompanied by the stigma of a suicide or AIDS.

Blocking the road to grief recovery for many children is that they are often hesitant to talk about what has happened to their loved one for fear of upsetting other family members or being viewed as different by other children.

Participation in Pathfinders' peer support programs provides youngsters with a safe place to express pent-up feelings in a positive, healing manner. The goal is for acceptance and peace to replace negative emotions that might otherwise manifest themselves in such destructive behaviors as aggression, depression or regression.

Describing such dialogues, Mrs. Clinton said, "We started with a big circle, and it was really something for the kids to look around them and see the faces of other kids who had also lost someone dear to them. It was a real eye-opener for them to realize that they were not alone."

To help children deal with their grief, the hospice facilitators use different activities, such as creating a "Memory Wall" filled with pictures of deceased loved ones and the construction of a "Feelings Collage" with art work expressing the broad range of emotions being experienced by the children.

A candlelight ceremony titled "A Time To Remember" invites children to share memories of their deceased loved one. "This ceremony," said Mrs. Clinton, "was touching in a very healing sense."

(Although most referrals for Pathfinders' groups and retreats come from clergy, counsellors and teachers, anyone who knows a grieving child in need of support is encouraged to call 271-0010 or 525-1550. A springtime retreat for grieving children from throughout the region is being planned for April. It is hoped about 40 children between the ages of 5 and 17 will participate. For information, call those numbers.)

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