Parish group aids grieving

It's never easy to cope with the death of a family member or a loved one, but a group of caring parishioners at St. Patrick's Church in Albany makes sure that people don't have to go through the experience alone.

The Tobit Society provides support by planning and attending the wake and the Mass of Christian Burial. This gives family members an opportunity to participate in the services and to include hymns and Scripture readings that have special meaning for them.

The society also visits bereaved family and friends and coordinates a home Mass to mark an anniversary or a transition in the grieving process. In addition, three religious services are offered each year to remember those who have died, especially those who passed away during the past year.

History

Formed in 1985, the Tobit Society includes 20 members who regularly attend wakes involving St. Patrick's parishioners. Several members are also present during the funeral Masses, according to member Marty Bink. The group takes its name from the Old Testament character Tobit, who risked his life to bury the dead.

When a St. Patrick's parishioner dies, either Sister Mary Rehfuss, CSJ, minister of adult spirituality, or the funeral director will inform family members and friends of the deceased about the Tobit Society. Members offer to plan the Vigil for the Deceased that occurs during the wake, and they gather at the funeral home to pray with family members and friends.

Such presence by fellow parishioners represents a change from pre-Vatican II days, when a priest often would be the lone representative from the parish at the wake, said Rev. Francis O'Connor, pastor.

"It's appropriate for all the parishioners to be involved," he said. "It's part of our Christian life."

Tobit Society members then assist family members and friends of the deceased in planning the Mass of Christian Burial. People can participate in the Mass as readers, altar servers or Eucharistic ministers, or simply select music and readings that have special meaning to them. Group members are encouraged to attend the funeral Mass.

Continuing presence

The group continues to offer its support beyond the wake and funeral by sending a card to the family of the deceased a few weeks afterward and by visiting family and friends.

Tobit Society members also offer to plan a home Mass several months after the person has died; this gives family and friends an opportunity to grieve in a relaxed, communal setting. "You can talk about it more because you're past the period of immediate grief," Sister Mary said.

Family and friends are invited to come together three times each year to remember the deceased through a memorial Vespers service celebrated on Nov. 2, the Feast of All Souls, and special Masses offered during the Christmas and Easter seasons. Each of the three services features a candle-lighting ceremony, and the names of people who have died during the past year are read aloud.

The Vespers service and memorial Masses often serve as a reunion of sorts for family members and friends who haven't seen each other since the funeral of a loved one.

Meeting with other parishioners whose family members or friends have died also fosters a sense of security, Sister Mary noted: "There's something safe about coming to a group where others have lost a loved one."

Joining up

Although the Tobit Society actively recruits new members occasionally, a few people who have been helped by the group decide to join, themselves, Mrs. Bink pointed out.

The Tobit Society means something special not just to family and friends of the deceased, but to those involved with the group, as well. "It's one of the richest experiences of my ministry here," Sister Mary said.

(The Easter season memorial Mass will be celebrated at 7 p.m. April 16 at St. Patrick's Church.)

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