Parents of homosexual children gather for support

More than 20 parents of gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered Catholics gathered recently at St. Henry's Church in Averill Park for a day of support, affirmation and celebration of their families.

The retreat, sponsored by the Albany diocesan Office of Family Life, was held partly in response to the U.S. Catholic bishops' pastoral letter, "Always Our Children," which urges parents to accept and love their gay children as "gifts from God," and encourages the Church to provide support for those children and their families.

According to Deacon Frank Lukovits, the purpose of the day was to "affirm people as parents and clarify the teachings of the Church regarding sexual orientation. Unfortunately, many gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered Catholics think that the doors of the Church are closed to them, and that is not so."

He added that the tendency of many parents "is to not speak about [their gay children] and hope no one will find out. But, as a Church, we need to begin talking about these areas of discrimination and hurt in an open way."

Dealing with news

Among the participants were Ruth and Don Smith, members of St. Vincent de Paul Church in Albany. Their son, Brendan, told his parents eight years ago, at the age of 19, that he is a homosexual.

For the Smiths -- as for many parents -- dealing with the news became an issue of integration, reorientation, and shifting expectations and worldviews.

"I told my pastor about this," she explained. "I said to him, 'How will I ever get over this?' He said, 'You won't get over it; you'll just integrate it into your life.' And that is exactly how it happened. It's a part of our lives now. It's become part of who he is and part of who we all are, as his family."

Emotions

Mrs. Smith remembers her first stirrings of worry and sadness, identifying them as thoughts many parents have when their children announce they are gay. She began to wonder if their son's sexual orientation would affect his job prospects, if he'd become the victim of violence, or if he "would have a good life."

She told The Evangelist, "My son is doing very well, now. But my first thought was 'How could he bear this secret by himself?' I felt so sad that he hadn't told us before. First, I hugged him, and then I asked how long he had known and why he hadn't told us sooner. His answers were 'I've known all my life, and I didn't tell you sooner because I kept hoping it wasn't true.'"

Parental role

At the outset, the realization that their child is gay can be "mind-blowing" for parents, said Deacon Lukovits.

"They can feel disappointed or fearful," he said. "It takes a long period of time for many people to process this and come to the realization that their child cannot change. But they will love their child for who they are. For some parents, it's a tragic experience, and the Church is here to support them."

For many parents, one of the largest areas of concern remains their children's safety, said Mrs. Smith. Although she believes that the world is more open to and tolerant of gays than it was when she was a child, she still worries about the effects bigotry and homophobia might have on her son, an aspiring businessman.

"I thought, 'Oh, my God, this kid is so smart and so successful. I never want this to ruin his life,'" she said.

Bishops' letter

At the core of "Always Our Children" is the conviction that "every person has an inherit dignity because he or she is created in God's image," said Meg Bergh, director of the Office of Family Life. "Homosexual persons, like everyone, must be treated with compassion and respect. They must be seen as persons, not as a category."

Mrs. Smith emphasized that it's important for families to come to terms with the fact that their children did not choose their sexual orientation.

"People are made this way," she said. "If anybody could change it, they would. People at the retreat were dealing with the fact that they didn't want this to happen. But families need to adjust to the fact that what you expected" didn't happen.

Mixed messages

Mrs. Smith also believes that families must deal with the pain that may come with wanting to protect their child and elicit support for them. Also, families can sometimes feel that homosexuality is a shameful secret that must not be discussed, a concept that she does not agree with.

She advises parents to read books and contact support groups in their area.

"And keep connected with your child. Talk about it. Ask how they're feeling," she recommended. "The retreat was just warm, loving, accepting -- and it was very sad. There were a lot of tears. My son is made in the image and likeness of God. Love is the answer; it's what's needed and the most important thing. My son is my hero. I think he's taken a long, hard walk; and he did a lot of it by himself."

(In 1997, the U.S. bishops issued "Always Our Children: A Pastoral Message to Parents of Homosexual Children and Suggestions for Pastoral Ministers." The entire text can be found at www.usccb.org.)

(11/27/03) [[In-content Ad]]