Parents can help kids mourn loss of pet

"People who know me know my dogs are my children," she said. "I vowed I would never go through it again. It was too hard."

Ms. Galish, a member of St. John the Baptist Church in Schenectady, did get another dog, but it took her time to work through the deaths.

Losing a pet

While the death of an animal causes very real feelings of grief, the pet owner is often not allowed to grieve publicly.

"There are volumes of literature that indicate that the death of a pet is trivialized," she said. People hear, "It's just a pet," but what is forgotten is that pets are often faithful companions for 15 or 20 years. When they die, there is a void in their owner's life.

Right to grieve

That type of grief, called disenfranchised grief by experts, is particularly painful since the griever must bear their pain alone, she continued.

Friends and family who want to support someone whose pet has died should reach out with compassion. "The single biggest thing they can do is to treat them as if they've experienced a significant loss," said Dr. Reittinger. "Validate the grief. Make them feel their grief is worthy of support. It is real pain; it's a normal response. They are not immature."

Ms. Galish found support after the death of her dogs. She works with her sister in a chiropractic office where the patients are friendly.

"I had a lot of support," she said, "especially after the second [death] because everyone knew. People saw me go through it all. Work kept me occupied. And with Jake, my sister was right there with me."

Working through anger

"A lot of people get angry," she said. "This is usually displaced. Vets take a lot of the displaced anger. In fact, when people get a new pet, they often change vets."

Ms. Galish was angry especially after Abby's death. She explained that Jake had a congenital kidney problem that resulted in kidney failure. He was sick for only a week and then died. Months after his death, she noticed that Abby's breath smelled the way Jake's did when he got sick. While she was convinced that Abby was also experiencing a kidney problem, the veterinarian said Abby just needed her teeth cleaned. Soon, Abby was sick and also died of kidney failure.

"I had a lot of anger over how the vets dealt with her," Ms. Galish said. "I knew something was wrong, but neither vet took me seriously. I have a hard time trusting now."

Feelings

"Most feel guilty," Dr. Reittinger explained. "They feel, `I failed in my obligation to protect this animal.'" Guilt is especially prevalent if the pet died because it was euthanized.

Another common feeling is what Dr. Reittinger called plain old pain. "There's crying and yearning," she said. "They have to take time off from work; they can't eat and sleep; and in some cases, they become clinically depressed."

Final goodbye

"She was 21 years old. She had kidney disease and a malignant tumor on her bladder," Dr. Reittinger said. "My husband did not want to euthanize because of his belief in the sanctity of all life."

In the last days of BC's life, the cat refused to eat her favorite food and lost control of her bodily functions. The couple cleaned her cat up, wrapped her in a blanket, placed her in front of a roaring fire and prayed she'd die soon.

Finding meaning

Eight weeks later, BC's sister, Little Cat, also 21-years-old, died. She was dying from a sinus tumor that caused her to go blind, and she was unable to eat. This time, the couple was prepared to euthanize their pet.

"I could hear the vet talking to her, and I heard how gently this was done. I knew she had the best possible death," Dr. Reittinger said.

Children's views

"Avoid saying, `Fluffy has gone to sleep.' That will create sleep problems," Dr. Reittinger explained. "Don't say, `Fluffy's gone on a long vacation' because the child will be afraid of vacations. 'Died' is not a dirty word."

The tendency to shroud the death of a pet in vague terms stems from parents' desire to protect their child from hurting. To that, Dr. Reittinger says, "Death is something you can't protect a child from."

Children's grief

"The biggest group of disenfranchised grievers are children," she said. "Children experience the same things adults experience. Even young children grieve, but they grieve differently. They look sad, then they go out and play. Children can only take psychic pain in small doses. It's important to understand that they are still grieving."

Dr. Reittinger recommends that children see the deceased pet if it is still intact. "If they don't see it, they think, `Maybe it didn't really die,'" she said

If the pet had been sick and in pain, and children see it resting in peace, they tend to find it comforting. "It's important to see the deceased pet at rest," she said.

Final rites

A ritual like a funeral is also helpful for a child. "The more they participate, the better they'll be," she said. Some things children can do are draw a picture, write about the pet or gather flowers to put on the pet's grave.

For those struggling with the death of a pet, Dr. Reittinger advises talking about it. "Find a friend who is patient; that's the best medicine you can have," she said.

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