Parents and schools urged to cooperate to curb violence

Last year's shootings at schools in Arkansas, Kentucky, Oregon, and Pennsylvania caused many people to realize that violence is a reality for today's children.

According to Kathleen Chesto, author and speaker on family issues whose new video is "Raising Children in a Violent World," the statistics on violence are alarming:

* Over 100,000 children carry handguns to school each day;

* Children witness 200,000 violent acts on TV by the time they are 18;

* There has been a 700 percent increase in teen violent crime in the U.S. despite a continued decline in overall crime; and

* Juvenile homicides increased 400 percent in 1994.

Forms of violence

It's up to adults to end this violence, Dr. Chesto said. "It's not enough to put metal detectors around the doors of our schools," she said. "We need to confront violence in our own lives."

Experts say gun violence is just the tip of the iceberg. Name-calling, excluding others because they are different and self-destructive behaviors are all forms of violence, said Jeanne Cote, director of the Albany Diocesan Drug Education Ministry (ADDEM.)

"We're seeing verbal violence that's harsher at younger ages," Mrs. Cote said. "Kids are also perpetrating violence against themselves through drugs, suicide and self-mutilation. We react to gun violence but not self-violence."

Communication

Violent behaviors are often a result of young people not having the skills to communicate or deal with their emotions.

"There needs to be a concerted effort of families, schools and the Church to help children handle anger and conflict, and communicate better," said Joyce Solimini, associate director of catechesis for children, youth and families for the diocesan Office of Religious Education. "We can empower our children with the skills to handle violence. We live in a violent world, but we are a people of hope."

Empowering children with these skills begins at an early age, said Dr. Chesto. When a child understands the word "no," usually between the ages of 18 months and 2 years, their moral development has begun, she said.

"There is a very strong correlation between a lack of moral development and violence," she said. "Birth to age three is a more crucial time than we previously thought."

Media's role

Dr. Chesto explained that morality begins in the feeling of empathy. To foster empathy, parents need to talk about feelings and tell stories that help children see empathy. But the development of empathy can be destroyed by the media.

"News, TV and movies are bombarding us with violent images," Dr. Chesto said. "This can cause a child to turn himself off to empathy."

To prevent that, parents need to carefully monitor the media children consume, Dr. Chesto said.

Sharing

Sharing and rule-keeping are two essential steps to instilling a moral sense in children. Through sharing, children learn a sense of justice and fairness, Dr. Chesto said, adding that children need to learn that sharing is right. If a child is motivated to share only because it makes their parents happy, parents will eventually learn that their child shares only when mom or dad is present.

Childhood games help children learn about rule-keeping. Games like hide-and-seek, dodge ball and hopscotch provide children the opportunity to make and keep rules. Unfortunately, Dr. Chesto said, pressure on parents to have children in organized activities at an early age has resulted in many of them not having those experiences. Those games, which date back to ancient Rome and Greece, may soon be a thing of the past.

"We may be raising the first generation of children who don't know these games," she said. "Children develop wonderful skills playing together."

Without having the experience of making rules, children may not learn to appreciate why rules are important, thus making them less apt to follow rules established by others, Dr. Chesto explained.

Examples at home

Parents must also look at the behavior they are modeling for their children. Rushing, competition and materialism are now the backbone of society, she said. People need fast food, automatic cash machines and express lines in the grocery store. Having to wait a few extra minutes can cause a person to become enraged. Road rage is an example of this, she said

Society has also become increasingly materialistic. "We want something because someone else desires it," Dr. Chesto said.

Cabbage Patch dolls, Tickle Me Elmo, and Air Jordan sneakers are all products that people coveted because of marketing ploys. In order to help children, Dr. Chesto said, parents should look at their own priorities. "Begin by looking at rushing, competition and materialism," she said.

Keys to development

In an effort to help children develop self-esteem, society may have thrown out two key concepts of moral development, Dr. Chesto said.

"We don't want our children to feel bad about anything," she said, "but children need shame and guilt [in order] to be a moral, responsible person."

Shame, she explained, is the embarrassment one feels when someone who trusts them catches them doing something they were trusted not to do. Guilt is the internalization of shame and knowing what we've done is wrong.

Responsibility

As children approach school age, parents should give children the opportunity to take responsibility for the wrong things they did.

"Saying `I'm sorry' sometimes isn't enough," she said. "They are still responsible even if they didn't mean it. We're losing that sense, and we're not helping our children."

When a child steals, cheats or lies, parents must address the issue, Dr. Chesto said. Usually between the ages of 7 and 10, these behaviors are coping skills. Parents need to find out the underlying cause and help the child learn how to handle the situation.

Teen years

As children enter the teen years, parents need to give their child a sense of direction and purpose, and there has to be an element of trust. This can be done through rule-making and rule-keeping.

"There need to be clear rules and clear consequences," she said. "There needs to be a sense of rules for the family and for [the teens] themselves."

When there are clear rules, a child can see that their behavior is a choice. The consequence for breaking a rule isn't an arbitrary punishment; rather, it is a choice made by the child, she said.

Parents of teenagers also need to foster good friendships, Dr. Chesto said. A good group of friends will encourage moral behavior. Parents should know the families that their child's friends come from.

Expectations

Schools also have a role to play by looking at the expectations they put on children. Mrs. Cote said adults often expect that children can handle situations that they might not necessarily be equipped to handle. A common form of violence seen today even in the lower grades is name-calling and exclusion of certain other children in the class.

"It's up to the adults," Mrs. Cote explained. "It's not true that children can always deal with it. We need to create an atmosphere where children feel safe. There is so much abuse, name-calling and harassment. We expect children not to respond to that, but they don't necessarily have the skills."

To help schools create an atmosphere where children feel safe, ADDEM offers teacher training on building classroom communities. The training provides teachers with the skills to teach children how to communicate and express themselves. ADDEM also offers mediation training. Schools that participate in this program are able to train students to creatively mediate problems.

Model grown-ups

Adults must also model the behavior they expect from children. "We want children to respect us, but we don't treat them with respect," Mrs. Cote said. "Every interaction we have with a child needs to be respectful. If we can't do that, maybe we shouldn't work with children."

When a child is being picked on or called names, an adult needs to listen. "Let them vent that feeling," Mrs. Cote advised. "To just say, `Just ignore them,' doesn't acknowledge what the child is feeling."

Once the child has expressed his feelings, the adult can help the child come up with a creative solution to address the problem.

(Dr. Chesto's video is available from Twenty-Third Publications at 800-321-0411 for $29.95 plus shipping and handling. The Diocesan Resource Library has videos and books available on violence. Call 453-6644. To reach the ADDEM office, call 453-6771.)

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