April 6, 2018 at 1:53 p.m.
DISCERNMENT REFLECTION
Oh, Lord, what have I done?
As a 28-year-old discerner, I thought what a wonderful idea to go on a retreat with other men who are considering saying "yes" to God. It would be a time of prayer, fraternity and an opportunity to discover my vocation and relationship with God.
I did not realize that, a month later, I would be driving home from the diocesan Vocations Office with an application to the priesthood for the Diocese of Albany in my car.
I remember I sat with Rev. Anthony Ligato as he was going over the application and all the things that would be required. As I was driving home, all that was going through my mind was, "Oh, Lord, what have I done?"
Upon arriving at the retreat house, many young discerners from the Albany, Brooklyn, Ogdensburg and Rochester Dioceses greeted me. To be honest, I felt quite old, because the average age of those young men was about 23.
Again, "Oh, Lord, what I have done?" What could I possibly have in common with these young men?
By the end of the retreat, I had my answer. What we had in common was a mutual love of God. Gathering together in the chapel for evening prayer, we prayed and conferred about the different aspects of the priesthood - topics which included discernment, priests as men of faith and celibacy.
An interesting aspect on this retreat was that we were able to "grill the priest," submitting questions to be answered by the priests in attendance. Questions ranged from aspects of celibacy to theology and philosophy. On our last evening, we had an opportunity to meet with a seminarian and a newly-ordained deacon to talk with us about seminary life and their own vocation stories.
For those who wished, there was a hiking experience during which, at the top of the mountain, Mass was offered, with breathtaking views. One of the neat concepts about having the hike up the mountain was that it indirectly mimicked taking up one's cross and carrying it up to Calvary, where the ultimate sacrifice was offered. How fitting to have this mission for young men, who may or may not have noticed they were yearning and searching for Jesus, at the top of this mountain.
I will not forget, however, our evening in the common room, where we all gathered together and discussed our own vocation stories and how we feel we may be called to serve God as priests.
One factor echoed by most of us is the feeling of not being satiated by whatever it is we are currently doing. For some of us, we felt that we had a call at a younger age and pushed it away, but there is God -- like a puppy following you, wanting to be held, wanting to be loved; His sweet, docile voice just quietly asks you to pick him up.
Another point was that these young men wanted a concrete sign from God that this is what He wants us to do. Many of us had that feeling, that yearning for a sign, because we are willing to give everything up for Him. It is all about trust: We must trust that the Holy Spirit will guide us in making this decision.
It's truly an experience like none other, similar to an engaged couple preparing for their wedding: that feeling of excitement, and also fear of the unknown.
A turning point for me was praying in front of the Blessed Sacrament and asking God to take over, abandoning ourselves to Him. In the words of the peasant who was asked by St. John Vianney about what he would say during the countless hours he spent before the Blessed Sacrament, "Nothing. I look at my Jesus and He looks back at me."
Spending that quiet time before the Lord, asking for His love and placing all my trust in Him, my question of, "Oh, Lord, what have I done?" changed to, "Oh, Lord, Thy will be done."[[In-content Ad]]
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