Of TV, kids and closets

The new television season is guaranteed to bring certain things into your family room: situation comedies, cop shows, documentaries -- and homosexual characters.

The announcement last spring that the main character on "Ellen" and the actress who played her were lesbians intensified questions that were already being asked by parents: How should I react when a gay character appears on TV? What should I say to my little ones about homosexuality? Can I define what a homosexual is to a six-year-old child who doesn't even know what a heterosexual is?

Currently, two dozen regular characters on primetime television shows -- including programs intended for family viewing -- are homosexuals. "Mad About You" and "Friends," shown on NBC at 8 p.m. (and an hour earlier in the Midwest), have lesbian characters. ABC's "Roseanne," long a family favorite and now in afternoon syndication, has had gay figures. "Spin City" on ABC has a gay character on a comedy series starring Michael J. Fox, who built a family audience during his years on "Family Ties." On Fox, "Party of Five," which is very popular with young people, features a homosexual violin teacher.

Answers, please

When a sitcom prompts a seven-year-old kid to ask, "What do homosexuals do?" or "Is gay okay?" how should moms and dads respond? I put that question to three experts in child development and family therapy. They agree that the best steps are to turn off the set, discuss the issue briefly -- and do a better job of knowing the content of TV shows before you decide to watch them.

"We need proactive parenting," states Ray Guarendi, a clinical psychologist in Ohio who has six children under 9. "We need to do a much better job of not exposing our kids to these themes at such an early age. In our home, we don't watch 'Ellen' and 'Roseanne' or 'Home Improvement' because of their adult themes.

"We never let our kids watch TV unsupervised unless we know what it's about. We have to protect the innocence of our children. A seven-year-old doesn't need to know what a homosexual is. Give them time to get their moral feet under them before they encounter such things. The more morals they have, the more stable they will be."

Taking care

John Rosemond, a family psychologist who directs the Center for Affirmative Parenting in North Carolina, warns that "television raises [some of these issues] before they would otherwise occur" to a child.

"It's not important for a pre-adolescent to understand homosexuality," he said. "It's not important for them to understand heterosexuality."

To Sister Anne Bryan Smollin, who directs the Counseling for Laity Office for the Albany Diocese, the problem is that "we don't even question [such shows] anymore because they are so common. Children don't even know how to ask questions about homosexuality or suspect there's anything right or wrong about it -- and they're being told that everything is normal."

Steps for parents

When children ask about homosexuality, the experts said, there are several things parents can do. Step one, Mr. Guarendi said, is "to give children an explanation at a level they can understand -- and don't go beyond that. It used to be a view in sex education to 'explain it all.' That doesn't work."

To a first-grader inquiring about homosexuality, he suggests answering: "I'm not sure you need to know." To a nine-year-old child with the same inquiry, he would say, "'Gay' means a man and a man want to have a relationship like a man and a woman."

Mr. Rosemond would say to a young child: "This is not something I choose to discuss." With a child over ten, he would "give a brief explanation of homosexuality, and I wouldn't hesitate to make a value judgment, even if it's politically incorrect to do so."

Dr. Guarendi echoes that sentiment, saying: "You can't be squeamish about stating your moral viewpoint that sex outside of marriage is wrong. We have to say, 'The Lord says that's not a good thing. We pray for people who do wrong things."

Shut it off

Before answering any questions children have, Mr. Rosemond would do something else: Shut off the TV set.

"If a character makes a gratuitous issue of sexuality, homosexual or heterosexual, I would turn the program off," he said. "It's not appropriate for family viewing. The most powerful message a parent can send is to turn off the television."

Sister Anne Bryan concurs with that, noting: "Shut it off and explain why you don't watch shows like that, or shows with other objectionable content, like violence or racism or inappropriate heterosexual activity. Address the morality openly," even if you have to "say you're struggling with understanding the issue yourself."

She also advises "answering questions directly, by saying something like: 'Homosexuals make the choice to be sexually involved with a person of the same sex.' Kids deserve direct answers to their questions. We'd better be able to talk aloud about this topic."

Sensitivity

But parents should be careful not to include bias, insults, stereotypes and anger to enter into their discussion with their children, said the experts.

"Parents shouldn't call names," noted Sister Anne Bryan. "They shouldn't stereotype behavior, clothing, walking or talking as being homosexual. Making derogatory remarks about a person rather than discussing the issue is wrong."

Mr. Rosemond, the father of two grown children and grandfather of two, has "no problem making a negative comment about homosexuality and saying to a child, 'According to the values our family lives by, this is wrong and we do not approve of it.' But I wouldn't characterize individuals as 'evil' or 'dirty.'"

Watch language

To Mr. Guarendi, it is important "to avoid plumbing information. Parents need to use good judgment about what a child can understand. Getting into AIDS or what homosexuals do is not relevant to a nine-year-old. Explain it in a good way but not in a detailed way."

He also recommends allowing children to say what they already know (or think they know) about homosexuality.

"Find out where they're at," he suggests. "Then ask, 'What do you want to know?' or 'What don't you understand?' Satisfy their inquiries without opening the door to information they don't need yet." Similarly, Mr. Rosemond notes: "Just as children are not ready to learn to read at a given age, they are not ready for other learnings at certain ages."

Secret's out

What is essential, Sister Anne Bryan said, is that parents prepare themselves to talk about homosexuality, because the topic is going to come up due to television, more openness by homosexuals in society and children's peers who have homosexuals in their families.

"It's no longer a secret. The questions get raised at a younger and younger age now," she said. "Parents have to be ready to answer the questions whenever they come."

(07-31-97)

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