New support group buoys grandparents raising children

Many people dream of retirement when they can pick up and go at a moment's notice or spend their days playing golf. But a rising number of people have to put aside such life-long dreams in order to parent their grandchildren.

One reason there is a growing number of grandparents raising grandchildren is substance abuse.

"The biggest reason [grandparents take over] is that their own child is addicted to alcohol and cocaine," said Marty Haase, executive director of the Caregivers Respite Program of the Capital District, a Catholic Charities agency. The parents "were neglecting the children, and social services intervened and then approached the relatives."

Parents again

Mrs. Haase has experience with the struggles grandparents face as they begin to raise their grandchildren. Since October, she has been facilitating two support groups for grandparents who are parenting. Two additional support groups are scheduled to begin in the fall.

Funded through grants from the Albany County Office for Aging and the Brookdale Institute, the support groups are designed to help grandparents come to terms with their new status and better understand the ins and outs of their new role.

"The biggest issues are energy, time and frustration," said Mrs. Haase. "They're frustrated with their own children because the relationships are strained. There's a lot of grieving and mourning."

Issues to face

The support groups confront and deal with many issues common to grandparents raising their grandchildren, including:

* Grandparents often feel guilty because they believe they must have done something wrong as parents since their children are now having difficulties. Mrs. Haase said it's common to hear during the support groups: "What did I do wrong?"

* There is also a feeling of loss in that the grandparents don't have the opportunity to be traditional grandparents. "There is a sense of loss in that they don't have the relationship with playing with their grandchildren, spoiling them and giving them back to their parents," she said. "Now, they're disciplining them." The child-rearing grandparents are also now concerned with finding baby sitters while their friends have the freedom to travel freely or go out to dinner on a whim.

* While the grandparents have already experienced child-rearing, things have changed since they were parents. "It's so unfamiliar to them," she said. "There's also a generation gap. It's hard to raise teenagers. There's also a different energy level. They don't have the same strength."

* Besides the emotional and physical problems surrounding this type of grandparenting, there are also legal issues that are problematic. "It is important to get legal custody," said Mrs. Haase. "Their own children must give it or the grandparents must go through the courts. They can't make medical decisions or deal with school problems without it."

* Finances can also be a problem. Often, grandparents are living on a fixed income and may not have the financial resources to raise the child. Currently, there are few options for grandparents to receive government aid for raising grandchildren, she said. Financial struggles also exist for grandparents who are not retired. For those who are still working, finding daycare can be a problem. "There is nothing to pay for daycare," Mrs. Haase said of government assistance programs. It is also rare for the parents to provide any financial assistance for their children.

(One support group for grandparents meets at Our Lady of Mercy Life Center in Guilderland at 6:30 p.m. on the second Monday of each month. The other group meets at Catholic Charities Neighborhood Community Center on First Street in Albany on the second Thursday of each month at 6 p.m. The times and locations for the new Colonie and Cohoes groups will be announced in the Fall. For more information about grandparents support groups, call 449-2001.)

Caregiver resource available

A new resource is available for those who care for a chronically ill loved one.

"I Am A Caregiver" was written by Marty Haase, executive director of the Caregivers Respite Program of the Capital District, a Catholic Charities agency, to provide assistance to caregivers. She set out to write a comprehensive book that would be easy to understand and easy for caregivers to read.

Besides providing stories of caregivers and how to deal with many of the difficult situations caregivers face, the book lists resources, including phone numbers for national and state organizations that provide support to caregivers.

In her book, Mrs. Haase, a registered nurse, describes typical caregivers: "I am a caregiver. My husband has Alzheimer's. My son has AIDS. My wife has M.S. My sister is a quadriplegic. My mother suffered a stroke. My father is mentally ill. My grandson is severely handicapped. My grandmother is elderly and frail. And I -- I am exhausted, financially strapped, naive, uniformed, disgusted, grieving, depressed, angry, worried, isolated, at the end of my rope."

The typical day of a caregiver, according to Mrs. Haase, includes "washing soiled sheets, cooking and mashing bland food, arguing, repeating myself, balancing a checkbook, filling out forms, giving medication, lifting dead weight, and wiping drool, spills, sweat and sores."

Caregiving is on the rise for many reasons, such as the rising cost of nursing home care and government efforts to keep people in their own homes.

It is important for family and friends to realize that the diagnosis of an illness impacts more than the patient. The caregiver is affected, too, said Mrs. Haase, who added: "Family and friends need to support the caregiver."

She suggested that family members divide the duties so that each person is using their talents to assist the caregiver and the patient. "One person can provide transportation, another can do the shopping and another can do the paperwork," she suggested.

Caregivers also need time to unwind since they are working 24-hour days. "Offer to come over and stay," Mrs. Haase said, "or help subsidize it."

("I Am A Caregiver" is available for $7 by calling the Caregivers Respite Program of the Capital District at 449-2001. Mrs. Haase also offers workshops for caregivers.)

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(06-12-97) [[In-content Ad]]