Mediation services can resolve problems amicably

Imagine a world where parents and teenagers could settle their disputes in a relatively quick and mutually beneficial way.

That world already exists through Family Mediation Services, available at St. Catherine's Center for Children in Albany.

Kenneth Handin, director of the program and assistant executive director of St. Catherine's, said parents and teens often clash on a wide variety of issues from curfew and dress codes to friends. Resolving those clashes involves using such skills as dialogue, negotiation and compromise.

Case in point

Mr. Handin shared the story of a 17-year-old girl who didn't get along with her parents and ran away to live with her grandparents.

"After a year, her parents wanted her back," he said. "The grandparents said no. Family Court sent them to mediation. They were very angry with each other. After four hours, the girl negotiated the parameters for her to come back home. Everybody was comfortable. It was a happy ending -- all done in four hours."

Parent-teen disputes aren't the only aspect of family life that mediation can help. It can also be used to resolve open adoption agreements, divorce, step-family restructuring and marital disputes.

"I had a couple whose biggest problem was money," Mr. Handin said. "They had been in counseling. In three sessions, we set out a concrete plan and they left very happy. You don't necessarily do this in counseling."

Mediation

In divorce settlements, a mediator guides the couple through division of property, financial maintenance, custody, visitation and child support. Mediators help the couple arrive at fair and workable solutions.

While a divorcing couple would still need to consult lawyers, the mediation process ensures that each person is heard. "The parties maintain control of the situation," he said.

Across the country, people using mediation are pleased with the outcome. "Eighty-five percent of the people who come leave with a satisfactory agreement," Mr. Handin said. "Even when you don't [work out a satisfactory agreement], you leave people with a better way to communicate. Research shows a high rate of consumer satisfaction because they feel heard."

How it works

Mediation uses an impartial person trained to help resolve conflicts by reaching mutually beneficial agreements. The mediator sees the dispute through the eyes of both persons.

Mediators do not make decisions or impose solutions on the parties. Rather, they help people listen to each other, focus the discussion and keep it moving forward, encourage people to understand each other's needs, and create options for resolution that neither person may have thought of on their own.

"Mediators never judge or make decisions," Mr. Handin explained. "A mediator advocates for both parties." When disputes arise, "tempers get hot. You need a neutral third party."

Tool for families

Mediation is an ancient tool for solving disputes that has been recently revived.

"In the 1970s, the Quakers started sitting in on court," Mr. Handin explained. "They decided courts were not the place to solve family issues and revived mediation."

When family mediation was being introduced, an interesting thing happened. "Originally, people started divorce mediation and realized that they had never talked," Mr. Handin said. Instead of getting divorced, they decided to give their marriage another try.

The benefits are great according to Mr. Handin. "You leave people with a better way to communicate," he said. "Almost every mediation is a success story. A custody battle where parents see the children as property and then come to the realization that the child needs both parents [is a success]. A couple who is married for 20 years is divorcing. Mental illness is involved. Helping them come to an understanding that separation is best and having it be emotionally healing versus scarring [is a success]."

Solutions

Mr. Handin recommends that step-families consider mediation right at the start of the marriage. Mediation can help parents discuss discipline rules for both sets of children and the role of the stepparents.

Mediation can also be helpful in resolving family business disputes, negotiating elder care decisions, and straightening out contested wills and estates.

People do not lose any rights by utilizing mediation to resolve disputes. If an agreement can't be worked out, both parties still have access to the court system, Mr. Handin said.

Pluses

Mediation is attractive for many reasons, Mr. Handin noted:

* It resolves specific issues, such as how a couple will manage their money.

* It is relatively quick. Once the mediator has been called, the process can begin as soon as three days but never more than two weeks. Many disputes can be resolved in one or two sessions.

* Many people can relate to mediation as well. "It's easier to go to mediation because it's business-like. It's problem-solving," Mr. Handin said. "There's something about having a third party that frees people up."

"Mediation is a well kept secret," Mr. Handin said. "It's a shame."

(St. Catherine's Center charges $80 an hour for mediation. Its mediators are accredited by the New York State Council on Divorce Mediation and the Academy of Family Mediators. For more information, call 453-6700, or visit the St. Catherine Center Web site at www.st-cath.org.)

(02-26-98) [[In-content Ad]]