MATRIMONY: When A Couple Becomes One

"My idea of marriage as a sacrament has changed a great deal," said Deacon Markham. "I'm not sure that back then I was focusing on the sacramental element. I knew it was a sacred event, but I think [an understanding of its] value grows through the years."

A deacon at Christ the King Church in Westmere, he and his wife help prepare engaged couples for marriage. Part of that includes helping couples develop an understanding of the sacrament.

"This sacrament is lived out," he said. "Like any sacrament, it's a process and not a single happening."

Lifetime sacrament

"The sacrament begins when the two exchange consent," said Prof. John Dwyer of St. Bernard's Institute in Albany, "but it is a life-long process."

In her book, "A Mystagogy of Sacrament: Saying Amen," Sister Kathleen Hughes, RSCJ, explains that a sacramental marriage develops over time.

"Until couples face up to and embrace the real demands of conversion, until they choose to die as well as to love -- and to beg God's help and God's blessing on all their loving and all their dying -- their marriage has not yet become a sacrament," she states. "A wedding does not make a marriage. A wedding simply makes a marriage possible."

Ministers

"Some believe that the hard part is finding the right person," Deacon Markham said. "They're not aware of the real work involved. One of my concerns [in ministering to engaged couples] is they don't know what they don't know. We'd like to bring them back two or three years later."

One of the things couples should understand is that when they say, "Father Smith married us," they are repeating one of the most common myths about the Sacrament of Matrimony.

"The basic myth is that the priest is the minister of the sacrament," said Prof. Dwyer.

In fact, as the Catechism of the Catholic Church states, the man and woman are ministers of Christ's grace and mutually confer upon each other the sacrament. The priest or deacon serves as a witness to this event.

Community event

The communal aspect of marriage is important. "Marriage, like all sacraments, is not a private act," explained Prof. Dwyer. "The community plays a role, and marriage actually begins a new community."

Each married couple serves as a symbol to the whole community of Christ's love for the Church. Each family becomes a domestic Church, according to the Catechism of the Catholic Church, where evangelization takes place through word and action.

Public event

Since there is a communal aspect to this sacrament, it is important that it is celebrated publicly. "To elope makes marriage into a private event," he said.

In addition to the exchange of consent, there are other important elements to the celebration of this sacrament. "The Eucharist is ideally a part of the Catholic wedding," he said. "Through it, we affirm our belonging to the body of Christ. The nuptial blessing is also important."

According to the Rite of Marriage, the declaration of consent, the Liturgy of the Word, the nuptial blessing, and the reception of communion are all important parts of the celebration.

Parishes often face a dilemma when couples approach them to be married. Because of the importance of this sacrament, priests may believe that they should witness only the marriages of active parishioners. However, like the other sacraments, marriage can mark a deepening of the couple's involvement in the Church.

"If they want a Catholic wedding, it's a good sign," Prof. Dwyer said. "We should not set up ground rules to impede them. If the support is there, people will be attracted."

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