Marriages are made stronger through retreat for couples

Congratulations. You're engaged to be married! Before the big day, you'll have to pick out your dress or tuxedo, choose a cake and make travel arrangements.

And don't forget the retreat.

Although Catholic couples are required to attend Pre-Cana courses before they can be married in the Church, many betrothed couples are adding a weekend-long, optional Pre-Cana III retreat to their wedding plans.

Time to talk

According to Mary Moriarty, assistant director of the Family Life Office for the Diocese of Albany, the retreat "provides them with time to learn about and discuss crucial marriage issues," such as communication, personality conflicts, sex and intimacy, children, financial considerations, and spirituality.

"Couples always come away with a greater awareness of who they are and who their partner is," she explained. "And the more self-knowledge you have, the better prepared you are to enter marriage. We want couples to look at marriage as an intentional thing. We call it 'a decision to love.'"

Pre-Cana III endeavors to give couples the communication skills to fight the loss of intimacy that is common in modern life.

Time together

Theresa Lawlor attended a recent retreat with her fiancee, Shawn Moran. A public school music teacher, she said that "it was great to have uninterrupted conversation" at the retreat. "It's hard when you're trying to get to know each other in the midst of daily life. I was surprised at how easy the retreat was."

She and Mr. Moran found that some of their deepest discussions centered around the question of personality. "He's conservative, and I'm just a little more on the liberal side," she explained. "When we went into conversation, a lot of what was brought out was more in-depth than we got into before."

Knowing your partner's personality, said Mrs. Moriarty, is one of the keys to a successful marriage. "People almost always choose their opposite," she said. "Seeking a balance can be hard work."

Time to spend

More surprising, Ms. Lawlor said, were the discussions she and her fiancee engaged in regarding finances.

"We had talked about it before, but actually sitting down and going through a budget was 'oh, my goodness! Do we really spend that much?'" she recalled.

Mrs. Moriarty said that young adult couples don't always ask hard questions surrounding finances and spending habits before marriage, a condition that can lead to ugly fights and conflicts afterward.

At Pre-Cana III, retreat leaders urge participants to clarify their goals in order to provide a better understanding of where both sides stand regarding money matters.

Time for God

Spirituality is another factor that affects a marriage, Mrs. Moriarty noted, and therefore another topic for the retreat.

"We've gone through ups and downs of being spiritual together," said Ms. Lawlor. She and her fiancee attend both St. Mary's Church in Oneonta and Sacred Heart parish in Sidney. "We both value spirituality. We're into our faith. But when you're not both open about what's happening in your faith, you put up barriers. It's good to get out in the open.

"We really enjoyed the weekend, and feel great about the decisions we've made. It was refreshing to get away -- and learn more about the person you love."

(The Pre-Cana III retreat is administered by the Albany diocesan Family Life Office, which is supported through the annual Bishop's Appeal. The office operates many marriage-enrichment and family-oriented programs; visit www.rcda.org and click on "offices.")

(5/1/03) [[In-content Ad]]