Marriage prep key concern in parishes

Parishes in the Albany Diocese are exploring programs that would require engaged couples to wait longer -- and think harder -- before getting married.

The hope is that couples who devote as much time to reflecting upon the state of their future union as they do to selecting wedding invitations, gold rings and reception music will steer clear of the many roads that lead to divorce court.

"Engaged couples are often so absorbed in planning the ceremony, reception and honeymoon that they fail to plan for the marriage itself," says Mary Moriarty, assistant director of the diocesan Family Life Office. "Many are so caught up in the here and now that they become almost blinded to the realities of married life that inevitably await them."

Open eyes

Sister Kay Ryan, CSJ, director of the Family Life Office, who devotes countless hours to healing the emotional and spiritual wounds of separated and divorced Catholics, agrees wholeheartedly.

"Again and again, you hear how concerned friends or loved ones tried to open their eyes to problems in the relationship prior to the marriage ceremony," she notes.

Why didn't the engaged individuals heed the warnings? "Usually," says Sister Kay, "the answer they give goes something like:`I was so in love, I couldn't see what they were talking about.'"

Preparation

In an attempt to prevent (or in some cases, to cure) the temporary blindness that so often impairs the vision of starry-eyed engaged couples, some marriage preparation is now mandatory throughout the Albany Diocese.

Besides parish-based involvement, couples are encouraged, though not required, to participate in day-long Pre-Cana workshops and Engaged Encounter weekends. Both programs address such subjects as communication, intimacy, family of origin, finances and faith.

A decade ago, most parishes asked that couples contact the pastor just six months before the desired wedding date to initiate such things as pre-nuptial interviews. A growing number of parishes now insist upon such notification a minimum of a year ahead to allow for adequate marriage preparation time.

"If you stop and think about it, six months doesn't allow you much time to concentrate on the relationship," Mrs. Moriarty notes. The focus instead tends to be more on the window dressings of the wedding day -- floral arrangements, gowns and tuxedos, and engraved napkins for the guests.

Priest's choice

Although the Diocese has decreed that marriage preparation is mandatory, it leaves much to the discretion of individual parish priests. Each pastor has his own requirements, which are often tailored to meet the couple's needs and readiness for marriage.

Some priests may feel comfortable meeting with the pair only once prior to the big day while others may insist upon more frequent sessions -- sometimes including psychological evaluations to explore a couple's strengths and weaknesses as well as compatibility issues.

"A lot depends upon the priest, how well he knows the couple, how much time he has, and so on," explains Mrs. Moriarty. "Some priests strongly advocate participation in Pre-Cana or Engaged Encounter weekends; others do not. Our office makes these programs available, but they are not a mandatory part of the marriage preparation process."

The sole requirement is that there must be some kind of parish-based marriage preparation and/or a combination of any of the diocesan-based marriage preparation programs. There are many variables.

Options

Among the materials available through the Diocese are those relating to another marriage preparation tool: sponsorship of engaged couples by sage married couples belonging to the same parish. Such a mentoring program is currently being developed at Our Lady of the Assumption in Schenectady (see separate article).

The idea, explains Mrs. Moriarty, is for happily wed couples to serve as mentors for couples preparing to receive the Sacrament of Marriage.

"Our office has a packet that contains good, down-to-earth advice about how to approach the engaged couple and the kinds of experiences they might wish to share with them," she says. "Our goal is for the engaged couple to be welcomed into their sponsors' homes with open arms."

Role models

The mentoring program is based upon much the same principle as those used in some schools and offices: Provide good marriage role models, and newlyweds will follow their example.

Such positive intervention especially benefits those engaged individuals who may otherwise unwittingly demonstrate the damaging attitudes and behaviors that led to their own parents' divorce. (Studies show children of divorce are more likely to get divorced themselves.)

Ideally, Mrs. Moriarty says, friendships will blossom between the engaged and sponsoring couples so the older pair remains part of the newlyweds' support network during the critical post-honeymoon adjustment period.

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