Learning to forgive seventy times seven

St. Peter may have rued the moment he approached Jesus and asked, "Lord, if my brother sins against me, how often must I forgive him? Seven times?"

Jesus' answer probably shocked the apostle: "I say to you, not seven times but 77 times" (Matthew 18:21-22).

The concept of forgiving "70 times seven times," as some Bibles translate it, makes many Catholics squirm.

Infinite time

Rev. Paul Lininger, OFM Conv., formerly of the diocesan Counseling for Laity office (and now treasurer for the Conventual Franciscan friars, based in Rensselaer), noted that in Scripture, the number seven symbolizes infinity.

"As often as somebody needs forgiveness, you need to be able to offer it," he stated.

Forgiving over and over again can seem like an impossible task. Rev. Peter Sullivan, a canon lawyer who works for the diocesan Marriage Tribunal, told The Evangelist that the Holy Spirit gives people the gift of being able to forgive, with the help of the sacraments.

Who is hurt?

Choosing to hold a grudge, the priests agreed, hurts the unforgiving person more than the one who sinned.

Father Lininger cited God's exhortation to the Israelites in the Book of Deuteronomy to "choose life" (Deut. 30:19) instead. In other words, he explained, people shouldn't let themselves be controlled by their own emotional reactions to someone else's behavior.

Father Sullivan believes the opposite of forgiving someone is becoming vengeful, looking to debase or shame another person for their negative behavior.

Balanced life

However, neither priest believes God wants people to become doormats, constantly accepting unacceptable treatment and having no self-worth as a result.

"Prudence balances all the virtues," said Father Sullivan. "There's also tough love. If your brother has an alcohol problem, you might have to drag him over to [a rehabilitation center], but that doesn't mean you don't love him."

He gave another example from his work with the Marriage Tribunal: He has met women who experienced abuse in their marriages. Although they are not expected to stay in such relationships, he said, he hopes they wouldn't go to the opposite extreme and attempt to get their ex-husbands fired from jobs or take other actions to get revenge.

Change

"We're required to keep forgiving, but we're [also] required to ask ourselves: 'I can't change the other person, but can I change how I choose to engage them?'" Father Lininger said.

For example, he explained, it's expected that married couples will sometimes clash. But there's a difference between a spouse's saying, "I'm going to set you up to do [the negative behavior] you always do, and use that as an excuse to stay divided from you;" versus, "I keep trying to want to trust you, and yet the same thing happens over and over again."

Only in the latter statement is the spouse who's been sinned against taking responsibility for his/her own behavior in the situation.

Letting go

Father Sullivan asserted that the minimum a person who's been sinned against must do is to not act on his/her anger at the sinner and to pray about the problem. However, he added, forgiving "70 times seven" and letting go of the anger would be a better choice.

"Jesus offered us the opportunity to choose life, the opportunity to choose a new way of living," Father Lininger stated. "Christ's invitation is to see the kingdom of God."

That kingdom, he said, is often most visible in recognizing that people are imperfect, need forgiveness over and over again, and yet still have God present in them.

(3/10/05)