Journal recalls struggle with AIDS and renewal of faith

Dr. John R. (Dick) Noonan wanted to leave a legacy to let others know that he not only died well, but also lived well.

He has done so in a unique book -- and, in the process, left a road map for those living with HIV and AIDS, their families and friends, and all those who struggle with their faith in the face of a life-threatening illness.

"The Singing Bird Will Come: An AIDS Journal," Dr. Noonan's chronicle of his struggle, was edited by Sister Mary Rose Noonan, CSJ, his sister and director of publications for the Sisters of St. Joseph of Carondelet at their Provincial House in Latham.

What's left behind?

"Dick used to say, `What am I leaving?'" Sister Mary Rose told The Evangelist. Looking at his siblings' children and Sister Mary Rose's commitment to her religious community, he despaired that he might be remembered only as a gay man who died of AIDS.

Instead, his journal tells the story of someone who loved his family, enjoyed old movies, struggled with his faith, and ultimately found peace before he went to meet his God in May 1994.

The title of the book is taken from a Chinese proverb that Dr. Noonan used in order to describe his outlook in the face of death: "If I keep a green bough in my heart, the singing bird will come."

Life story

Dick Noonan was a clinical psychologist who moved from North Carolina to Potsdam in 1989 just before he was diagnosed as HIV-positive. Having struggled while in his 20s with the realization that he was homosexual, he had finally come to terms with his identity when he got the news.

Agonizing over saying the words, "I have AIDS," to his family, particularly his mother, Dr. Noonan kept his secret for nearly five years and instead kept a journal to vent his feelings.

"Once we all knew," his sister said, "he never wrote another page. He was able to stop monologuing with himself and dialogue with other people."

Faith struggle

The journal details Dr. Noonan's anger and faith poignantly.

"I got a call from Tim who wants to get together for a football game," reads one entry. "I was unsure of how to say, `Gee, Tim, I'd love to go if I'm not dying of AIDS by then.'"

Another passage states firmly: "I know I worship a God of mercy and forgiveness, a Jesus of care and concern, and a Spirit of truth and integrity."

"What's really important to him is his faith struggle," said Sister Mary Rose. As his illness progressed, "his faith increased a lot. He said that one of the reasons was grace."

When to tell

Dr. Noonan's inner debate over when and how to tell his family of his homosexuality and his diagnosis is a running theme in the journal. Although he realized that several family members had intuitively guessed what was happening to him, he still balked at telling them outright.

"Once you know that somebody close to you is gay, AIDS is a constant worry," said Sister Mary Rose. "He was starting to look thinner. We started to think, 'Why is he not communicating?' I think that slowed us down on asking. Several times, we all went home to be with him. He wanted to tell my mother, but he just couldn't. I said, `I'll go home and do it,' and he said, `I wish you would.'"

Their mother learned that he had AIDS less than six months before he died. She called it "a long time to suffer, but not a long time to say goodbye."

Prayer at life's end

The journal describes the changes in Dr. Noonan's prayer life. While he first wrote of intercessory prayer and visits to St. Joseph's Oratory in Montreal, he eventually took more pleasure in the simple colors of autumn leaves and the Rosary.

"That gives you a better understanding of what is comforting to people," Sister Mary Rose said of the latter. "When you get to the point where you can't spend a lot of time thinking, you need something soothing and nostalgic."

In the journal, Dr. Noonan wrote of attending Mass: "I felt as if I were standing before God with my story, along with the stories of everyone else. And it's a GOOD story....Far from feeling separate, I feel very connected."

Body and soul

One of Dr. Noonan's main concerns was "doing death well." After asking his friend, Sister Pat Houlihan, CSJ, to play "Amazing Grace" at his funeral, he remarked, "All in all, I have to say this has been an amazing grace for me. I never would have sat down to say, `What is my relationship with God, and how do I express that to people?'"

Five and a half months before he died, he made his last journal entry. Two months later, he gave it to Sister Mary Rose and said: "You can do whatever you want with it."

Reading it after his death, his sister realized, "I'm not only learning something about my brother, but there are also lots of things that would be really helpful to someone else -- the sister of someone with AIDS; a mother who's wondering, `Why didn't he tell me?'"

Sister Mary Rose began editing his journal for publication. "It helped me to move on," she said simply.

Touching moments

The responses from those reading the journal are as touching as its entries:

* From a teacher who watched a former student die of AIDS: "Tears readily fell as I rejoiced in your family and missed my little friend. Thank you for sharing your story."

* From a hospice worker: "I thank you from my heart for sharing this story, and I will share it with others at hospice."

* From a mother: "Two years ago, my son came to me to tell me that he is gay. I thank God for every minute I was able to walk through it with him."

Legacy

Every member of the Noonan family is now involved in AIDS ministry of some sort. Sister Mary Rose helps to edit a newsletter written by persons with AIDS; her mother volunteers at an AIDS respite care center in Utica; and her sister Katy joined an AIDS Names Project support group.

"I never even knew closely a gay person before Dick," Sister Mary Rose said. "When you can put a face on somebody, that changes your whole perspective: This is a real person who thinks and prays and feels like I do. This journal is a way we can make him go on."

("The Singing Bird Will Come: An AIDS Journal" is available at O'Connor Church Goods in Latham, or by writing Canticle Press, 385 Watervliet-Shaker Rd., Latham, NY 12110. The cost is $10.95.)

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