Intimacy isn't complicated

By BISHOP EDWARD B. SCHARFENBERGER- | Comments: 0 | Leave a comment

This is often a delicate topic to discuss, but being a 53-year-old Catholic wife of 30 years, I'd like to take a shot at it tactfully.

My husband Mike and I saw the movie "Hope Springs" with Tommy Lee Jones and Meryl Streep. It was an incredibly moving film about intimacy. The couple, married 30-plus years, was experiencing one of the many difficult seasons any lifelong marriage is bound to endure. I laughed and cried throughout the film.

Long ago, Mike and I discovered that a lasting marriage takes intentional effort, so we seek out and take advantage of resources.

When we were married for 13 years, we went on a weekend Marriage Encounter retreat. My "take-away" was a story shared by a man who described how it feels to be rejected by his wife.

He said he feels like a little kid "calling for" his best friend. He runs down the street to the house, gets up to the front door and knocks with anticipation. His best friend answers the door, turns in the other direction, slams the door and walks away.

When we were married for 25 years, we went on a Weekend to Remember marriage retreat along with 400 other men and women. During one of the last sessions, the 200 husbands went into one room and the 200 wives went into another.

Our female speaker shared personal experiences and encouraged us with humor and insight. She had a variety of books dealing with relationship issues. As she discussed an area of difficulty, she asked the group if anyone could relate. Each time, a few women stood up, and she handed them a complimentary copy of a book specific to their struggle. I admired the women for their honesty.

Then our speaker asked the following question: "Does anyone have a tough time getting interested in being with your husband intimately?" Suddenly, as if an electric current passed through the chairs in the room, all but three women bolted out of their seats and stood up. To my amazement, no one looked surprised.

Every evening, we are accustomed to viewing commercials for prescription drugs used by millions to remedy conditions related to intimacy. Often, the actors are seen in curious places like separate bathtubs in the middle of a forest. Equally customary are movie and TV depictions where intimacy looks more like a choreographed ballet performance than two married people sharing their love for one another.

Recently, a friend recommended a popular novel about a disillusioned American woman who encounters a handsome, rugged Irishman who woos her. She loved it, as did millions of other women.

I could be wrong, but there seems to be a disconnect here. According to the book of Genesis, "A man clings to his wife and the two become one flesh." What? No forest? No brawny foreigner? No choreographed performance?

I think we make things much too complicated.

(Mrs. Bonanno attends St. Mary's Church in Albany. See the U.S. bishops' website for resources at www.foryourmarriage.org.)[[In-content Ad]]