How to talk about sex

Not long ago, a mother in the workshop Marilyn Crowther leads confessed that she was shocked to hear Mrs. Crowther say the word "intercourse" so easily.

"It rolls out of your mouth like you're talking about eggs and chickens!" the mother exclaimed.

"That's probably because they're not my own children," replied Mrs. Crowther, looking at the roomful of participants: mothers and their nine- to 12-year-old daughters, who came to the Family Life Information Center at St. Peter's Hospital in Albany for a two-hour discussion on puberty.

Overcoming embarrassment

"Young girls are embarrassed when you talk about sexuality," said Mrs. Crowther, a former obstetrics and gynecology nurse who is now a community educator for the center. "One of our goals is to enhance communication between mothers and daughters, so the mothers become someone [the girls] can be at ease with."

The Family Life Information Center began holding the workshops several years ago as a way to cover puberty "through the lens of the parent."

Mrs. Crowther noted that many mothers are as embarrassed as their daughters to talk about such topics as menstruation and sexuality.

She explained that "I've had some women share that they were very confused, because they didn't feel they were as prepared as they should be" to talk with their children about the changes of puberty. Many mothers say they were taught about getting their periods, but the connection between that and conception was not covered.

Easy approach

To ease into the discussion, Mrs. Crowther begins her workshop by having mothers and daughters talk about lighthearted subjects -- favorite singers or television stars, for instance.

Once the pairs have become more comfortable with talking to each other, Mrs. Crowther moves into explaining puberty as a natural process.

She remarked that participants "get their giggles out" when she shows them the different types of feminine protection and talks about the female -- and male -- reproductive systems. ("You can't teach one without the other," she noted.)

Abstinence

Sexual intercourse is discussed at the workshop, with the focus on abstinence. Mrs. Crowther said that, sometimes, a daughter at the workshop will mention having a friend who had a baby; that leads to a discussion on the fact that taking on such adult responsibilities changes a girl's plans and wishes for her future.

"We talk about peer pressure to get involved with sex, but [also say] you need to be prepared to understand it all correctly, and talk with your moms and dads," said the nurse.

For more detailed information or for older girls, she recommends attending the Family Life Information Center's workshop on abstinence; for parents only, there's a workshop titled, "Talking about Sexuality with Your Child."

Agenda items

Most of the young girls who attend the workshops are more interested in learning about getting their periods, Mrs. Crowther said. She fields questions on acne, weight gain, nutrition, breast development, how to conceal that you have your period, tampons and PMS.

She also reassures the girls that they'll mature in their own time, reminding them that some seventh-graders will be very small and some will have growth spurts that make them much taller than their classmates.

She also touches on the subject of eating disorders, since proper nutrition is so crucial during puberty.

Information night

The workshop leader said her "hat is off" to any mothers and daughters who register for the workshop, since its subject can be uncomfortable to discuss. She hopes that she provides "an easiness with this conversation" for mothers and their children.

She also reminds the daughters to keep asking questions after the workshop is over.

"I take the moms off the hook," she said, referring to telling the daughters that their mothers "don't always know the answers to every question, but they can help you with problem-solving. They have years of experience."

Above all, Mrs. Crowther wants to promote a healthy self-image in the girls she meets. "Every night," she tells them, "you should go to bed, and, when you're being thankful about things, think of something you really like about yourself."

(A mother-daughter workshop will be held Dec. 19, 4-6 p.m., at St. Peter's Hospital in Albany. Father-son workshops are also offered. Call 525-1388.)

(12/9/04)