How to say 'I'm sorry'

Editor's note: Asking for forgiveness can be painful. Often, human beings don't like to admit they have made mistakes, poor choices or even deliberately malicious acts. The Evangelist's sex-week Lenten series explores aspects of forgiveness.

Many people don't ask forgiveness when they have wronged someone. Rev. Peter Sullivan, a canon lawyer who works for the diocesan Tribunal, noted that, in asking for forgiveness, "we're admitting our weakness and failures," which is uncomfortable.

Children, he added, even tend to see admitting they're wrong as "letting the other guy win."

But he believes that asking for forgiveness is "extremely helpful -- even apart from [the Sacrament of] Reconciliation -- because of the great healing that takes place."

Sincere 'sorry'

Asking for forgiveness is not a time to make excuses, further one's own point of view or point out someone else's role in a problem. Rather, Father Sullivan said, being sincere and simply asking for forgiveness from another person means making oneself vulnerable and taking the risk that the person might say, "I'll never forgive you."

"Don't make excuses just to mitigate your guilt," he advised. "That's cheating. If the other person needs to vent, you have to listen; that's part of the healing you've said you need to do."

The priest said it bothers him when Catholics go to the Sacrament of Reconciliation as a substitute for asking forgiveness of a person they have harmed. "I'd ask God to help me and go to the other person first," he said, to "lay the groundwork" for God's forgiveness.

Last chance

Father Sullivan has found that it's often at the end of life that a person asks family members for long-overdue forgiveness because of the combination of going to Reconciliation and knowing the time to atone is short.

For example, he said, an alcoholic parent often acknowledges having shortchanged his children because of his addiction.

But, he pointed out, asking for forgiveness doesn't always mean it's going to be given.

Father Sullivan said that people "don't have to go on endlessly" asking over and over again if the wronged person refuses to forgive, although a charitable person would at least ask again.

"Maybe your [initial] attempt was at the wrong time," he noted, adding that if face-to-face encounters have been painful, writing a letter to someone is another good way to seek forgiveness.

Different words

Most importantly, Father Sullivan believes that forgiveness does not have to mean one person saying, "I'm sorry," and another saying, "I forgive you."

He told the story of two men who had a falling-out and didn't speak for years, until one finally complimented the other on his job.

"'I'm sorry' doesn't always take the form of, 'I'm sorry,'" he remarked.

(2/3/05)