How to reduce trauma that often comes with wedding

Summer is synonymous with weddings. But how much of a wedding should satisfy the happy couple, and what concessions should they make to the often-contrary wishes of family and guests?

The Evangelist put that question to Mary Moriarty, associate director of the Family Life Office for the Albany Diocese.

Weddings, she began, vary widely from couple to couple. For some, details aren't as important; others, particularly those with strong ethnic backgrounds, put a lot of value on certain traditions and rituals.

Whose is it?

Engaged couples must first remember that "this is your wedding, the sacrament you're promising to one another," said Mrs. Moriarty. "But it's also the blending of families and family traditions. How can you balance what you want and what your family wants?"

She believes that a lot of pre-wedding arguments between families and children stem from the fact that people don't spend enough time discussing the effects a marriage has on the entire family. "Losing" a child to marriage and gaining a new son- or daughter-in-law can be traumatic.

"The sense of change, loss or gain is never recognized until they're walking down the aisle and everyone is bawling like a baby," she said.

Letting go

The Family Life Office recommends that before the wedding, couples have a "letting-go" ritual for the two families where parents and children can say goodbye to each other, say they love one another and apologize for any past hurts. The latter element is especially important.

"This is not a time to bring up old family history. This is a time to settle it," Mrs. Moriarty said firmly.

Reuniting divorced parents for a child's wedding can cause problems of its own. The director issued a "huge plea" to divorced parents "to act like grownups for their son's or daughter's sake" and not argue over wedding plans or with each other.

"If you've had a nasty divorce, your children have suffered enough," she remarked. "Give them something to look forward to."

Ending stress

If family members or friends are interfering too much with wedding decisions, Mrs. Moriarty recommends sitting down to talk and saying, "I want to walk down that aisle with complete joy."

A priest or counselor might help if the disagreements are particularly touchy.

On the positive end of the spectrum, she said that often, families can see the "bigger picture" in wedding planning: for example, why it's important to invite some people the couple may not have added to the guest list. Families might see some invitations as a way of honoring tradition and social bonds, but they usually don't know how to explain that to their children.

Talk it over

Mrs. Moriarty advises all engaged couples to spend time talking with their families about "why they want what they want and what it means to them."

If families understand their children's perspective, she said, they may feel more comfortable with the couple's wishes.

Couples, for their part, should ask themselves why they're making certain decisions about their wedding. Mrs. Moriarty used the example of the guest list: If a couple isn't inviting many people because they can't afford it, through talking to their families, they might learn that the families want to help out financially.

However, she added, a couple who find big weddings exhausting or firmly believe in simplicity should take a stand and defend their views.

Unique moment

The bottom line is that "you have to honor certain traditions, but you don't want a cookie-cutter wedding," said Mrs. Moriarty. Instead, couples should ask, "What can [we] do to make [our] wedding unique and memorable and sacred all at the same time?"

For Catholics marrying non-Catholics, Mrs. Moriarty advises still having a Mass but including aspects of other faith traditions, such as a clergyperson of the other faith giving a blessing to the couple.

On this, she cited Pope John Paul II's words: "The liturgical celebration of marriage should involve the Christian community with the full, active participation of all those present."

Getting help

Letting other people handle some of the details can improve a wedding, she believes. "Bridezillas" who micromanage every aspect of their weddings often alienate friends and family -- and burn out themselves before the wedding date arrives, losing focus on the sacred vows they're about to make and the people who love them.

The color of the wedding napkins won't really matter in the grand scheme of things, and a friend can take care of that.

"Unless you're left at the altar, anything that happens is okay," Mrs. Moriarty joked. "I would rather everything went wrong and [the couple] had a good marriage, than everything went right and they're divorced in a year and a half. If you want a memorable wedding, then things should go wrong!"

Five keys

Mrs. Moriarty listed five important things to remember for a successful wedding:

* Keep it very simple;

* invite the people you know will appreciate being there;

* give your family full recognition of the gifts they've given you;

* make peace with everyone before the day of the wedding; and

* remember this is a sacred vow you're making before God, promising one another you'll be together for the rest of your lives.

(Contact the Family Life Office at 453-6677.)

(7/10/03) [[In-content Ad]]