Holiday blues can be beat

For many people, the holidays are a time of midnight Masses and last-minute shopping, cheerful Christmas carols and prayers for peace on earth.

For others, the holidays trigger painful feelings of loss and sadness. For them, the season is focused not on celebration, but on survival. But counseling, realistic expectations and help can make the holidays easier to handle, says one therapist.

"Holiday music and holiday programming on television can bring up memories that may not be happy ones," explained Mary Qualters, a social worker both in private practice and at Bethlehem High School. She recently gave a lecture at the Dominican Spiritual Life Center in Schenectady, titled, "Getting Through the Holidays."

Stressful time

For those grieving the loss of a loved one, "you take the stressors of shopping, parties, decorating, baking, getting everyone the perfect present, and compound them with memories of doing these things with a certain person -- `we set up the tree this way' -- and it typically makes people very sad," said Ms. Qualters.

The spiritual aspects of Christmas can add to that burden, she said. When people think of Jesus' coming to "enlighten us and move us on our way," their thoughts often turn inward, causing depression.

As a result, at a time when "Joy to the World" pours from loudspeakers in stores, "People don't feel joyful at all."

Signs of depression

Those suffering from depression during the holidays may withdraw from friends, family and social events; have chronic feelings of sadness; and be more tearful than usual. Problems sleeping or concentrating and changes in appetite can also signal depression.

The best way to deal with getting through the holidays, she said, is to be gentle with yourself -- especially on the first anniversary of a death in the family or other loss.

"The first year, you may cry or fall apart," she stated. "The second year, you may feel better."

Solutions

People who are clinically depressed "are not going to be able to celebrate anything," she said. "If the holidays make you suffer so much, find a good counselor to go to. Find the origin that makes you detest this time of year so much. Then maybe you can start making decisions and learning to celebrate the holidays."

Even Scrooge had reasons for hating Christmas, she noted: "Scrooge didn't hate the holidays just because he hated the holidays; Scrooge had years of pain and bitterness in his life."

But after he realized what had caused his depression, he was able to find joy again -- even in Christmas.

(If you are having trouble getting through the holidays, help is available through such services as diocesan Counseling for Laity. Call 453-6625.)

tips

Tips for getting through the holidays

Mary Qualters offers these ideas for making the holiday season easier to take:

* Ask for help. "Define who you are and what's realistic for you to do," she said. "If you're grieving or you're depressed, putting unneeded burdens on yourself -- like you have to bake 16 dozen cookies" -- is a mistake. "Minimize stress, asking people for help to do what you need to get done."

* Take time for yourself "for relaxation and fun."

* Try doing things differently. If you always cut down your Christmas tree with a loved one who is now deceased, "this year, consider buying a tree," said Ms. Qualters. If a ritual gives you comfort, keep it up, she added; but often, "people feel a tremendous obligation to do things as they've always done them, even under great duress. You do have the power of choice."

* Ask God for guidance. "Use this as a time to get closer to God and ask God what you need. God knows what would give you comfort over the holidays more than you do, and it's not always what you think."

For family members of those suffering from depression during the holidays, she said:

* Don't judge people's decisions. "People who are depressed or grieving have to make decisions for themselves, and they might not be what you'd like," Ms. Qualters said. "Stop having expectations for the way these people should be."

* Don't try to cheer people up. "Don't give a lot of platitudes; just be there in presence. Don't try to fix it for them, because you can't." (KB)

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