Grief counselor offers solace to mourners

Then again, they might find her consoling the family of the deceased, after having planned the service with them and connected them with teams of parishioners who make meals for the family and guests after the funeral.

Mrs. Scuderi has spent seven years at St. Michael's. During that time, she has become certified through the bereavement studies program at Maria College in Albany to offer counseling to the grieving, even as she continues her original ministry of music.

Called

She believes her combined ministry is a calling from God.

"I lost my oldest daughter in 1997. It was a traumatic death; she was 27 years old. I also lost a son at three days old [to] infant death," she told The Evangelist.

Having experienced grieving firsthand and realizing "I'm not afraid of it," Mrs. Scuderi decided she wanted to give more meaning to her children's lives. She felt an urge to work with others going through similar losses. Her pastor, Rev. Robert Nugent, agreed to help her attend Maria College and earn her certification.

Enhancement

St. Michael's had already had a parish bereavement ministry for some time, offering post-funeral meals to families, paid for by the parish, so they can spend more time with their guests. Eight teams of parishioners -- about 100 people in total -- led by parishioner Loretta Salazar help to cook meals for groups as large as 100.

Mrs. Scuderi's contribution adds counseling to the mix. "I provide support to families and many times plan the funeral with them," she stated.

That planning includes helping families to choose the music and readings to use at the service, and even fulfilling requests for secular music in ways that respect Church requirements.

"If they have a song they want, we'll say, 'At the end, when the Mass is over,'" she explained. "If they want to hear 'Danny Boy' sung [on a CD] by the Irish Tenors, we can do that."

Services

Mrs. Scuderi also makes a full program for the funeral Mass, with a picture of the deceased on the cover, and the song lyrics and readings inside, along with bits of appropriate poetry.

In addition, she offers both one-on-one counseling and referrals to support groups. Many families have also begun to call on her in other circumstances -- for example, asking her to check on a grieving relative who seems extremely distraught.

In most cases, this turns out to be simple grief; Mrs. Scuderi remembered a woman saying of her husband, who had passed away, "We breathed the same air, and he's not here."

Grief's effects

"People want me to deal with it because [they say], 'You're the specialist,'" Mrs. Scuderi remarked; but "we're all specialists in grief, as far as I'm concerned."

One woman said her father had been wearing his deceased wife's bathrobe. Mrs. Scuderi talked with the man, who said he just wanted to remember his wife's scent.

"I told his daughter, 'He's lonely. It's totally normal,'" Mrs. Scuderi recalled.

At Maria College, she said, "they teach you what's 'complicated' grief, where you need therapy."

Symptoms of that extreme type of grief, she added, include inability to function, substance abuse, and anger or depression that keeps someone from performing everyday activities.

Pastor's support

Mrs. Scuderi noted that the bereavement ministry would not exist without the "great support" of Father Nugent.

The pastor told The Evangelist that the ministry is "an absolute gift to the parish; all I have to do is make a phone call, and it's done."

With about 45 funerals celebrated in the parish every year, Father Nugent is glad to have that option. He recalled one time when there were three funerals in three days, and parish bereavement teams uncomplainingly provided lunches for each of them.

"It's been a wonderful experience up here," he stated.

(Another part of St. Michael's bereavement ministry is "St. Bridget's Knitters," a group of parishioners who knit prayer shawls for people going through grief or life-threatening illnesses.)

(5/26/05)