Grandparents join other relatives in return to parenting

Those plans, however, will have to be put aside for a few more years. After all, there's homework to check.

Mrs. Williams-Polk is a member of a rapidly growing demographic: grandparents taking up the responsibility of raising their grandchildren in the place of parents unable to do so.

Mrs. Williams-Polk, who raised three children of her own in the 1960s, is doing it all over again for three of her grandchildren, from bathtime to brushing teeth, cooking to chauffering, and, of course, health care to homework.

"Homework, homework, homework," she chanted. "I don't have the patience, and half the time I just don't understand."

Square one

Substance abuse "often renders the biological parents neglectful and abusive of children," said Kathy Kavanaugh, director of the Relatives as Parents Program (RAPP) of Albany diocesan Catholic Charities.

According to Marty Haase of the Caregivers Program of Catholic Charities, many grandparents find themselves torn between watching their grandchildren be placed in foster homes or taking over their care themselves.

The grandparents are "beside themselves," Ms. Kavanaugh said. "They're dealing with the trouble of their own child at the same time that they're dealing with the grandchild's anger at their abandonment by the parent. Grandparents do it all for the love of the children. They're so attached to the child, but they're older, they're tired and they need to summon the energy to do it all again."

Different times

"The big thing is there's no money," Ms. Kavanaugh explained. "The Office of Social Services has become so complicated. Grandparents often have to keep on working, using their retirement money to pay the bills."

Other challenges grandparents may not be ready for include mean streets that create mean children. "I have to know what's going on in the street, because I have to protect these children from it. Everything is so much more advanced." said Mrs. Williams-Polk. "What's right is right, and what's wrong is wrong, and if it was right 30 years ago, it's right today."

Emotions

If their parents remain around -- as in Mrs. Williams-Polk's case -- caregivers may also have to deal with children who interact with their parents on a regular basis. That can lead to promises to the children that the parents can never keep.

"If the parent keeps on telling the child that they'll be coming back, telling the child what the child wants to hear, and then they don't come, the grandparent has to deal with the child's anger," Ms. Haase explained.

New roles

"We love the children and try to do our best in meeting their needs," said Ethel Pointer-Williams, who is currently raising three young boys. (She is not related to Ms. Williams-Polk.) "But since the children are not our biological children, we have special rules, regulations and laws to follow. The Caregivers Program steps up to bat and helps us when we don't know what to do, where to turn to or who to talk to, be it financially, legally, medical or otherwise."

Any relative raising a child can find respite at the Relatives as Parents Program, Ms. Kavanaugh said. Through support groups, a resource center, workshops, picnics and periodic grants, caregivers can receive information on school systems, discipline, tutoring, mediation, counseling, parenting and community resources.

"Finally, there is a group of people who meet together that you can have an intelligent conversation with, or laugh with, or cry with, or even vent with," said Ms. Pointer-Williams.

Heroic?

For Mrs. Williams-Polk, however, it's not a heroic act; a duty she calls "blessed."

"I had no choice," she concluded. "This is what you do. Family takes care of family -- and that's the way it should be."

(For information or to join a Relatives as Parents Program support group, call 449-2001.)

(10-17-02) [[In-content Ad]]