Forgiving brings closure, new life

Must reconciliation always be an equal deal? Must two people both agree on forgiveness for forgiveness to occur? Must an apology be accepted to be valid?

The answer is "no" to all those questions, believes David Kaczynski, executive director of New Yorkers Against the Death Penalty, who added: "There is no prescription for forgiveness."

Through his work, he has spent time with families of murder victims who say that they have had to come to terms with forgiving the perpetrator without knowing how he stood or even knowing that forgiveness was not wanted or rejected.

Likewise, he said, criminals looking for forgiveness can express remorse or sadness for their crime and deal with the stony silence of victims who cannot accept their apologies.

Three components

Mr. Kaczynski said forgiveness should be independent of bargaining, freely offered and autonomous.

He believes that independence -- "the step you are willing to take in expressing remorse or offering forgiveness" -- is the most critical thing in the progression towards healing.

"What the other person does with that is meaningful and important," he noted, "but it doesn't determine the value of that forgiveness in the spiritual sense."

Acting alone

Waiting until the other party is ready to make the jump into reconciliation can be dangerous, he believes.

"When you get to a situation like that, it almost has more to do with you than it has to do with the other person," he explained. "Part of what the criminal has done is that they've taken away something that they had no right to take away. In effect, if you give them the choice as to whether they are to be forgiven, you're giving that person the power to decide your behavior and your stance."

True reconciliation should be predicated on one's own choice and full knowledge rather than a quid-pro-quo situation or deal, Mr. Kaczynski said.

Letting go

Withholding forgiveness often places people into a situation where moving on is nearly impossible. He said that happens with the death penalty by "creating a very hard focus on the person who committed the harm, and that often causes us to neglect things that are actually more important.

"Part of the problem with the death penalty is, since it's predicated on vengeance, it sets us all in a position where we are waiting for the kind of closure that never comes. That closure is 'a life for a life' that has nothing to do with the spiritual processes and resources that are needed to help us recommit to life."

Mr. Kaczynski has seen "true closure" come through making a leap into forgiveness, despite what society -- or the offender -- desires.

Example of forgiveness

He said that many of the people who do this have gone on to make positive changes in their lives and in society.

He cites the case of Bud Welch, the father of an Oklahoma City bombing victim, who said the day he forgave bomber Timothy McVeigh was the day he was able to move on.

"We need to find the ways to restore a sense of balance, to recommit ourselves to life and the welfare of humanity," Mr. Kaczynski said. "We're trying to nurture those spiritual places, healthy places and positive places; and sometimes I think we need to do that most when bad things happen. Sometimes, the only way you can survive is finding the best in yourself and other people."

Own case

Mr. Kaczynski gained the attention of the country in 1995, when he brought to police his suspicions that his brother Ted was the infamous "Unabomber."

He hopes that his brother will someday be able to accept responsibility for his actions.

"It will give him dignity to move forward with the rest of his life," he said. "I have memories of us as little boys together -- fond memories. I grieve for the loss of the brother I had, and I believe he's still there in some sense."

(3/17/05)