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Beth Frank knows how important forgiveness can be.

As a social worker who counsels abused children and teens, she knows that forgiveness can bring peace for abuse survivors.

"I talk a lot about forgiveness with my clients who are sexual abuse survivors," said Ms. Frank (a pseudonym to protect anonymity). "We work hard at differentiating between forgiving and forgetting, which would let the [perpetrator] off the hook and potentially create a lack of safety."

In addition to helping her clients learn to forgive, Ms. Frank struggles with forgiveness in her own life. A parishioner of St. John the Evangelist Church in Schenectady, she has been trying to forgive her ex-husband.

"I struggled to forgive my ex-husband for abusing me," she said. "When I got past it and forgave him, I found out he was still physically abusing our kids. I can't forgive that yet."

Forgiveness, say experts, is a gift for the giver.

Gift to self
"Forgiveness is a gift for ourselves," said Sister Connie Messitt, CSJ, director of The Priory Retreat House in Chestertown and a spiritual director. "When we're not forgiving, we're walking around carrying a heavy suitcase."

Rev. Frank Desiderio, CSP, producer of the movie "The Big Question," a film about forgiveness, said that when people don't forgive, they walk around with resentment and bitterness.

"Resentment is like a bad dog," he said. "It chews up things, it's destructive and it takes over your house. Forgiveness is putting the bad dog in the backyard."

There are many reasons to forgive. According to Father Desiderio, forgiveness reduces stress; lowers blood pressure and heart rate; lessons symptoms of depression and anxiety; reduces chronic pain, stomachaches and sleep disorders; and improves friendships and a sense of well-being.

Christians are also called to be forgiving people. Throughout the Gospels, Jesus teaches about forgiving. In Matthew 6:12, Jesus instructs, "Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors."

In Mathew 6:15-16, He says, "If you forgive others their transgressions, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, neither will your Father forgive your transgressions."

And in Matthew 5:44, He notes: "But I say to you, love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you."

Even as He was dying on the cross, Jesus called out about his persecutors, "Father, forgive them; they know not what they've done" (Luke 23:34).

Like Jesus
Father Desiderio said that, since people are created in the image and likeness of God and God is a forgiving God, we, too, are called to forgive. However, the experts said it's important for people to understand that forgiveness doesn't condone bad behavior and isn't an alternative to justice.

"Forgiveness is not bypassing justice," Father Desiderio said. "You can simultaneously seek justice and hold forgiveness in your heart."

For example, he explained, forgiving a person for an assault doesn't mean the perpetrator shouldn't spend time in prison for the crime.

Forgiveness is also not reconciliation. As Ms. Frank works with children who are survivors of sexual abuse, she teaches them about forgiving the abuser - but never advocates for them to spend time with the abuser, as that wouldn't be safe.

Father Desiderio defines forgiveness as a decision to let go of resentments and revenge thoughts. It's an act of empowerment to free oneself from negative and destructive emotions.

For Christians, he said, forgiveness is a decision to accept God's grace and to extend loving mercy to others by letting go of resentments for sins others commit against you.

Reconcilation model
According to Father Desiderio, the sacrament of reconciliation is a model for people to use in their own relationships:

• Prior to receiving the sacrament, a person does an examination of conscience to look at what they have done wrong;

• then they confess and make an act of contrition;

• they make reparation through penance; and

• they receive absolution and then go in peace.

Following these steps can aid in the journey toward forgiveness, Father Desiderio said.

Someone striving to forgive another should remember that it's a slow process. "Forgiveness takes time," Sister Connie said.

Another challenge of forgiveness is timing, she said: Just because one person has said they are sorry doesn't mean the other is able to grant forgiveness.

"You can't even talk about forgiveness when someone is grieving," Father Desiderio noted, giving the example of a husband who cheated on his wife: He may want her to forgive, but she may still be grieving and unable to forgive at that time.

That doesn't mean she will never forgive; but, in the midst of grief, a person isn't in the right frame of mind to undertake the process of forgiveness.

No matter when it is granted, forgiveness can only occur with God's grace. "Forgiveness is a small miracle," Father Desiderio said.

(05/06/10) [[In-content Ad]]

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