Finding God's love amid terrible loss

Have you ever felt that you were totally alone? Ever questioned whether there really was a God? or a Heaven? Have you ever been through something so traumatizing that you felt all of your beliefs were drained out of you?

When I was 15, I had posed all of these questions to myself. Unfortunately, my faith was tested at a rather young age, but it made what I believe much stronger.

Imagine being on Thanksgiv-ing vacation, spending time with family members you don't get the pleasure of seeing very often, all laughing, chatting and having a very memorable time. Suddenly, you receive a telephone call, saying that your loved one is unconscious in the hospital.

Scared to death, you wait for the next call that could change your whole life and family. After a few hours of worrying profusely, the telephone rings again, this time bringing the chilling news that your sibling has passed away.

That was my story. I lost my sister Angela to a rare infection the day after Thanksgiving and only six days after she had her baby boy. When I found out she passed that night, it was as if I had been hit with a ton of bricks. I never knew it was possible to feel so much pain in one moment.

My family and I took that three-hour trip to New Jersey, where she had died, still trying to wrap my brain around what had just happened. It took actually seeing her cold body at the hospital that made me realize it was terribly true.

It wasn't till then that I started questioning my faith.

My family and my life had been turned upside down. So many things went wrong, but what scared me the most was what it had done to my mother. She became very depressed and ended up suffering from survivor's grief.

She realized she needed help and started talking to the priest at our church. She had found God and was at peace again.

I started to question God's existence and whether or not Heaven really existed; my faith seemed to have been slipping away faster than sand through an hourglass.

My mom realized that I had lost my faith and didn't seem to be as happy as I once was, and starting talking to me about going to church more. As I started go-ing to church increasingly, I seemed to feel better and more at peace with my sister's passing. That allowed me to open up more to people in my parish, resulting in me getting more in-volved.

As time went on. I eventually obtained a more solid outlook on what I believed in. I feel that I have gained more faith than what I lost in the beginning.

Soon, it will be the two-year anniversary of my sister's death. This is still hard, but God's love helped weaken the pain and makes it easier to cope.

(11/15/07)