April 6, 2018 at 1:53 p.m.
Father's role changes as years roll by
So says L. Scott Cuomo, a parishioner of St. Mary's Church in Waterford who is a town councilman and a court attendant for Saratoga County Supreme Court. He and his wife, Bernice, have three grown children, all married and two already parents themselves.
Once his children became adults, Mr. Cuomo noted, "You're more or less in an advisory capacity. Your duties are revised as a parent. But you're still there for advice. It isn't quite as demanding, but your work is never done."
Protector
As a father, Mr. Cuomo said he still felt somewhat responsible for all of his children until they were married, even when they were out on their own. He admitted he felt a bit protective of his youngest daughter, Karen, because she worked long hours out of state."She did a lot of traveling, and I knew she'd be getting home at two, three in the morning," he remembered. "I didn't like that at all."
However, he tried not to voice his concerns, trusting that all of his children could take care of themselves.
"My kids, I always felt, were intelligent enough to be on their own," he said. "But I always kept track of what was going on."
Worry and fathers
Looking back, he wondered if he should have worried more about his children. He joked that he'd always thought his daughter Terri, "if she jumped out of an airplane, would land on her feet," and trusted that his son Mike, a state trooper, was "older than his time."But "I probably should have been more concerned about Mike when he started police work," Mr. Cuomo said. "It's a dangerous job, but I always thought he could handle himself. But it would pop into my head when I was alone, `I hope he doesn't get shot.' There are crazy people out there."
The "senior dad" believes that fathers shouldn't give unasked advice to their grown children: "I'm not the type of father that interferes. If they have problems, I'll say, `You can work this out.' I don't want anybody to come back and say, `You were always interfering.'"
If he feels one of his children is making a serious mistake, Mr. Cuomo said he may take them aside and say, "You might be on the wrong track here." But because he usually doesn't offer unwanted advice, he thinks his children feel freer to come to him when they do want his input.
Changing relations
Mrs. Cuomo sees her husband and Mike treat each other more like brothers than father and son."What breeds that is the fact that I never interfered," Mr. Cuomo explained. "If he asked me something, I would tell him."
Besides, he noted, parenting has changed since his children were young. "A parent today has really got to be on the ball!" he said. "You've got to grow with the times. It's a different ballgame than the way we were brought up."
Still, reminding himself not to intrude in his children's lives isn't always easy. Knowing that his daughter Terri is busy with a new baby, Mr. Cuomo said he often passes by her house and thinks, "`Maybe I should just stop over and see if she needs anything done in the yard.' But then I say, `Nah, her husband's home.' You treat people the way you want to be treated."
Mutual concern
Wanting to be treated as an adult goes both ways. As his children have matured, Mr. Cuomo noted, they often get as concerned about him as he does about them."They do keep pretty good tabs on me," he said with a laugh. "When I was going through a hip operation, Karen was always on me [about keeping up with physical therapy]. She'd say, `It's for your own good.'"
But he was quick to note that his children don't go overboard. "It would be unfair for me to say they're overbearing, because they're not," he stated, adding wryly: "I wouldn't let them be, anyway -- I'd tell 'em to bug off!"
The bottom line in being a successful father to grown children is to love them and be there for them, said Mr. Cuomo.
"My kids and I have a good relationship," he said. "Sometimes, I see other parents with their kids and think, `I wonder if my kids know how much I love them?' But we're all different individuals. I think they understand me -- and they know they can depend on me. I've always been there for them. I think they can respect me for that."
Grandparenting
While a father's role never ends, it is added to: Mr. and Mrs. Cuomo now have four grandchildren, ages nine, seven, four and two months."Grandchildren are the reward to parents for parents!" Mrs. Cuomo told The Evangelist. "The grandkids are great."
Mr. Cuomo noted that "grandfathering" involves all the joy of being a father, with none of the responsibility for discipline or other parental duties.
"I think it's wonderful being a dad," he stated. "I have three wonderful kids and four grandchildren."
He added: "We've all grown up. If you're a good father when your kids are growing up, I think they look for that quality in you even after they're grown up. I think my kids always knew I would back them."
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