Father's Day tough time for divorced dads

Staying in touch

Scott Patterson won't be seeing his two young sons on Father's Day this year, but they'll be with him nonetheless: in photos, on videos and, most of all, in his heart.

Like many divorced dads, Mr. Patterson will be spending the holiday miles away from seven-year-old Adam and four-year-old Andrew.

"I only get the boys on Sundays every other weekend, and Father's Day didn't land on my weekend this year, so we won't be able to spend the day together," explained Mr. Patterson. "Their mother is taking them to a family gathering, and all I can wish for is that they'll have a good time when we're apart. It'll be hard for me and I'll miss them, but we try to make the most of the time we have together. They know I love them and I know they love me. That's what really counts."

Gift in hand

As a symbol of their affection, the lads recently presented their dad with an early Father's Day gift: a framed collage featuring colorful stickers and photos of them participating in a variety of activities.

"It's wonderful; they did a great job putting it together," he said. "I'll be looking at it a lot on Father's Day."

He's also captured many fond memories on film and videotape. Leafing through photo albums and watching the tapes can help ease the loneliness that so often creeps up between father-child reunions known in legal circles as "visitations," he said.

More than visitor

Although the custody papers use the term "visitation" to spell out the times he may spend with his boys, Mr. Patterson does not view himself as a mere "visitor" in his their lives. Rather, he insists, he is a caring, nurturing parent who has a different address than his offspring and who considers their emotional and spiritual well-being important.

"Their mother lives in Ballston Spa, so when the boys are with her, they attend St. Mary's Church in Ballston Spa," explained Mr. Patterson. "When they're with me on weekends, we go to St. Peter's in Saratoga. My faith has always been important to me, and it definitely helped me get through the divorce. We all need a place to turn for guidance."

Mr. Patterson hopes that the consistency he and his ex-wife are demonstrating in terms of "keeping the faith" will help their sons grow to appreciate its importance in their lives.

Children first

The fact that Mr. Patterson's own parents divorced when he was in grade school has made him more determined than ever to stay focussed on his sons' needs. As hard as their divorce was for him, he gives his mother and father credit for shielding him and his brother from harmful emotional fallout that too frequently accompanies marital breakups.

"They never dragged us into their battles or used us as pawns to get something from or to do something to the other one," he recalled. "I've always remembered how they put us first, and now I'm trying to do the same thing for Adam and Andrew. You just can't let any anger or any other negative feelings that might exist between you and your ex-spouse get in the way of the love you both have for your children. If you can just stay focussed on the kids, everything will work out."

Phone connections

Although he sees his sons only every other weekend, Mr. Patterson usually has daily phone conversations with Adam and Andrew.

"They like to call me in the mornings, just before I go to work," he said. "In the evenings, Adam and I read the sports section together over the phone. I also try to help him with his math homework when he has a problem he can't figure out."

Since he was present at the births of both of his sons and an eager participant in their care as infants and toddlers, the bonds between Mr. Patterson and his children are strong.

"It's the little things I miss the most, like reading them bedtime stories at night," he reflects. "Sometimes, it's hard because you want to make the little bit of time you have together extra special, and yet, at the same time, you want things to be spontaneous and as normal as possible."

Together activities

Mr. Patterson looks for father-son activities they'd likely be doing if they still lived under the same roof.

"On our last weekend together, we went on a picnic to Thatcher Park and climbed the old Indian ladder," he said. "Another time, Adam and I built a car that was in the Pinewood Derby. He took first place! Other times, we might go to a hockey or baseball game. When they get older, I hope we'll be able to go fishing. There's a lot we can still do together."

Mr. Patterson is a member of the Fathers' Rights Association of New York State, Inc. (FRA/NYS), which provides support and resources for separated and divorced dads and their children. He believes its slogan ("Kids Need Love -- And Both Parents") emphasizes that physical and emotional support are at least as vital to a child's well-being as financial support.

Observes Mr. Patterson: "It can be very lonely, especially when you're starting out as a single dad trying to adjust to daily life without your kids. It really helps to know that others have been there."

(Separated and divorced fathers looking for assistance can contact Scott Patterson or Marlin Pierce, c/o Fathers' Rights of New York State, PO Box 2202, Albany, NY 12220; or call 374-2346. The organization's home page is http://crisny.org/not-for-profit/franys. E-mail may be sent to [email protected].)

(06-12-97) [[In-content Ad]]