Family juggles faith heritages

But a rabbi also witnessed the ceremony, which took place after sundown on Saturday in observance of the Jewish Sabbath. The Bernsteins were married underneath a chupa (a trellis with flowers) and a glass was broken, as is common practice in Jewish weddings.

For the Bernsteins -- Victor, a Conservative Jew, and Maureen, a parishioner of St. Thomas Church in Delmar -- their wedding is but one example of how they have combined their religious beliefs and respected each other's faith traditions as husband and wife, and father and mother.

Falling in love

Although they were in love, the Bernsteins waited almost 10 years before they married. One reason was that his job required him to relocate throughout the Northeast five times during the 1980s, so marrying any sooner would have been impractical.

Another, more important, reason was that Mrs. Bernstein's faith inspired her to raise her children as Catholics, even if her husband was not.

"We did not agree to get married if we did not mutually agree to raise the children Catholic," Mr. Bernstein said.

When the Bernsteins got engaged in 1988 and shared the news with their families, his parents had some reservations because they wondered what faith their grandchildren would follow. The Bernsteins knew they were right for each other, however, and his parents had to accept that the children would be raised as Catholics.

Mature decision

"The fact that we were older definitely helped in this," Mrs. Bernstein said. "It requires you to think for yourself and be confident about yourself. You learn to spend a lot of time thinking, planning and praying about it."

Mr. Bernstein admits that it wasn't easy knowing that his children would not be raised as Jews, but his wife's deep devotion convinced him that allowing his children to live as Catholics was the right choice.

"It was a difficult decision to make, but, in retrospect, it was easy because Maureen's ability to teach and pray is so strong," he said.

Help from priest

"He was able to visualize what was important and how to make certain things work for everybody," Mr. Bernstein said.

The Baptism also provided an opportunity to show that Victor and Maureen -- and Judaism and Catholicism as a whole -- weren't that far apart in their religious beliefs.

"We got married knowing there were more similarities in our faiths than differences," Mrs. Bernstein noted. "Father Cribbs endorsed this as a representative of the Church."

Working together

"When Victor participates with me, it's even better," she said.

The family also went to temple for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur when the children were younger.

Matthew, 7, learns about his Catholic faith in school; he will enter second grade at St. Thomas School in the fall. Colleen, 4, will attend pre-kindergarten at Maria College in Albany.

Faith at home

Last spring, the Bernsteins also hosted their first Seder to commemorate the Jewish feast of Passover. The Bernsteins' relatives shared in the meal; and with Passover coinciding with Holy Saturday, they had a chance to celebrate Easter as well.

"In the morning, we had an Easter egg hunt," Mr. Bernstein remarked.

Matthew and Colleen seem to have adopted interfaith attitudes of their own. As he prepares to receive his First Eucharist this year, Matthew is asking more questions about Judaism. Colleen contributed a quarter to the collection one Sunday and explained that it was for her grandmother, Mr. Bernstein's mother, who had died recently.

"We think we've raised our kids to be sensitive people," Mrs. Bernstein said.

Teaching others

Coordinated by the Albany diocesan Family Life Office, the program puts engaged couples in touch with married couples, who host three mentoring sessions in conjunction with other marriage preparation programs, including Pre-Cana and Engaged Encounter.

The Bernsteins have met with numerous couples, including several interfaith couples, and have enjoyed answering questions about finances, family and faith.

"Every time you meet with a couple, you're hoping that you're helping. But for me, it reaffirms our marriage," Mrs. Bernstein said. "When they leave here, they should be thinking, praying and reflecting about what we said."

Practice advice

"People need to raise issues and be honest with each other," Mr. Bernstein said.

Couples also should pray together as they face the challenges of planning a wedding that will respect the faith traditions of each family, as well as living as spouses and parents from different religions.

"It's not just the special ceremonies or on weekends" when the differing faiths come into contact, Mrs. Bernstein pointed out, adding that "we're living proof you can do it."

(07-23-98) [[In-content Ad]]