Experts: President can restore his family

In his speech to the nation on Monday, confessing to adultery and lying, President Clinton said: "Now this matter is between me,...my wife and our daughter, and our God. I must put it right. And I am prepared to do whatever it takes to do so."

What does it take to repair a marriage and family damaged by such sins? The Evangelist put that question to experts in the Albany Diocese and came up with these responses:

* Mary Moriarty, associate director of the Albany diocesan Family Life Office, would advise a person in the President's situation to "get yourself into some counseling. It sounds like a long-standing problem with no easy fix. If he's serious about this, he would have to get into some family counseling and spiritual direction. A marriage can survive adultery, especially if it's a one-time fling, but it takes the commitment of both partners."

* Jeanne Meyer Caverly, a Ballston Lake resident and author of "Two Part Harmony" a newsletter for couples, said two issues are involved in repairing a marriage after adultery -- forgiveness and trust. "The big issue is forgiveness. Then there is the building of trust again. Trust is a decision made knowing there are no 100 percent guarantees. Forgiveness is not saying you're sorry and then you're done with it. There's no risk involved in saying I'm sorry." A more effective apology would be to say: "I hurt you. I'm sorry. Will you forgive me?" Cheap forgiveness minimizes the offender's behavior and makes excuses for it. Real forgiveness acknowledges that what the offender did was wrong. Forgiveness is granted to heal the victim, not to benefit the offender.

* Sister Anne Bryan Smollin, CSJ, executive director, Counseling for the Laity of Albany Diocese: "He needs to spend a lot of time with his family -- speaking honestly, regaining their trust and asking for their forgiveness. Vacation time can be a chance to do that [the Clintons left on vacation after his address]. In turn, their hurt, disappointment and embarrassment have to be heard by him. His disgrace affects them. I hope that someone comes in to help with that process so they hear each other. It's hard to talk about such things because they're so emotionally heavy. The tendency will be to try to let it go too easily. A counselor can help all three through the healing process."

* Rev. Arthur Toole, pastor of St. Matthew's Church in Voorheesville, believes that the president can make up for the pain and humiliation that his wife and daughter have felt. "They have to forgive him, certainly, which may take some time. I think just the public humiliation is penance enough. I wouldn't put him in sackcloth and ashes. His penance was getting out there in public and going as far as he did."

* Rev. George Brucker, pastor of St. Paul's Church in Schenectady: "I think the farthest he can go is simply to say, 'I'm sorry. I'm deeply sorry.' Beyond that, there's nothing to do. Just as the Lord accepted the contrite who came to Him and was good to them, in all of us there's that glow of love that, if we see someone that is reaching up to us for forgiveness, it's easy to forgive. I think what's going on is penance personified. There's nothing else that's needed. I'm sure he's crushed by it."