Experts advise parents on how to talk to children about death

The mother of an upset three-year-old called the Albany diocesan Counseling for Laity Office last week, asking for help.

"What does it mean that the Pope died? Where does he go?" the sharp toddler was demanding to know. "Will I be put in the ground, too? I don't want to go in the ground -- and I don't want you to go in the ground, either!"

Massive media coverage of the death of Pope John Paul II has put uncomfortable questions like those front-and-center for many parents in the Albany Diocese, grief counselors say.

Children who have never been to a wake or funeral suddenly saw the pontiff's body on display in Rome last week, heard reporters discussing his funeral and want to know what it all means.

Talking it over

"Parents really need to talk to them about it," advised Sister Anne Bryan Smollin, CSJ, director of Counseling for Laity.

From the well-publicized case of Terri Schiavo to soldiers dying in Iraq, she said, "there have been so many deaths [in the news] lately; kids are being bombarded with them."

According to Community Hospice social worker Lauren Savage, children younger than about five don't understand that death is an irreversible condition.

"They understand loss," she said; "but for most kids, the permanence of death is hard to get." Young children seeing Pope John Paul's body lying in state might have asked, "Why doesn't he sit up now? Won't he get hungry? What if he has to go to the bathroom?"

Younger kids

The Community Hospice, based in Rensselaer, sponsors several support groups for grieving children. Mrs. Savage directs "Big Hurts/Little Tears," for children three to five; Candace VanRoey leads "Wave Riders," which is open to children up to age 18.

For three- to five-year-olds, Ms. VanRoey said, "it's hard to understand what lives and what dies." Hospice grief programs actually begin by teaching children the difference between an object like a lamp, which isn't alive, and a person.

Parents can complicate the issue by telling children that a person who died has "gone on a trip," "gone to sleep" or "gone away," the counselors said.

"You have to use the right words. Explain what sleep is and what death is: 'When someone dies, their heart is no longer beating. They don't eat; they don't sleep,'" Ms. VanRoey stated.

Answers needed

When kids get misinformation, they develop misconceptions about death, said Sister Anne.

"All parents can do is answer questions as honestly as we can," she added.

Older kids often want to know why a dead person's body is cold. Ms. VanRoey said one boy at a recent support group for fourth- and fifth-graders asked, "Why did they paint Grandma's fingernails?" Until he saw her at her wake, he'd never seen his grandmother wearing nail polish.

Mrs. Savage cautioned that answers to questions like those should be simple and age-appropriate. She believes that nature metaphors work best with children. For instance, shells on the beach are the homes left behind by sea creatures who don't need them any more. Through lessons about animals that leave their shells behind or snakes that sheds their skins, kids can be taught that people leave their bodies behind when they die, but their souls go on.

God's place

Community Hospice programs are nondenominational, so the social workers leave it to parents to discuss their beliefs about God and the afterlife with their children. But, Ms. VanRoey did note that the word "soul" tends to scare kids less than the word "spirit," which can be confused with "ghost."

Regarding Pope John Paul, Sister Anne advised telling children, "The Pope was very ill, and now he's with God. His soul is with God, and his body has changed."

Many children have questions about what happens to a person's body after the funeral. Mrs. Savage explains it by saying: "After someone dies, their body needs to be cared for, and we do that in a special way. This [ritual of days of public viewing] is for very special people like the Pope. People pay their respects, and then the Pope's body is buried in a special place."

Dealing with fears

Sister Anne noted that the whole concept of "being put in the ground is scary, and [children] can't comprehend the reality of it."

She hopes parents tell children, "You're not going to be put in the ground."

"They need reassurance and love," Ms. VanRoey put in. "They'll have fear that mom or dad will die. Explain that the Pope was old and sick, and couldn't get better. Listen to what the child asks, and answer as simply as you can. If you don't know, say, 'I don't know.' If they ask when you will die, say, 'I hope I'm going to be here for a long time, be old and gray and see you get married.' Go into those details. Say it's very rare for young people to die."

Lessen exposure

The counselors all advised parents not to let children watch too much media coverage of the Pope's death, funeral and the aftermath.

"Try not to have it on 24/7," said Sister Anne.

"Talk [instead] about the Pope and what he stood for -- that's important," Mrs. Savage stated.

The death of someone like Pope John Paul can be a teachable moment with children, Ms. VanRoey noted, because they don't have the same emotional attachment to that loss as they would to the death of a relative or friend.

"It's a great learning experience. You can open up the conversation and answer questions," she said.

(Community Hospice's "Wave Riders" and "Big Hurts/Little Tears" grief programs for children are free and open to the public; call 285-8150. Contact the Counseling for Laity Office at 453-6625.)

(4/14/05)