Expert's advice on grief: Give people time to cry

Experts used to believe that the grieving process lasted a year. Participants in the Life Appreciation Grief Management seminar, hosted last week by the Albany Diocesan Cemeteries Office, learned that grief is ongoing.

"How long do we grieve? We used to think one year, then we thought three to four years," said Bill Bates, seminar presenter and internationally recognized authority on separation and loss. "We now know that we grieve two to three minutes at a time for the rest of our lives."

Mr. Bates is founder and president of Life Appreciation Training Seminars, Inc. A funeral director by profession, he has spent the past 20 years studying loss and grief. His research includes a four-year University of Oregon study on reactions to death.

Stages and stories

According to Mr. Bates, in order for a person to move through the stages of grief, they must be allowed to repeat their story over and over again.

"People need to tell their story over and over until they're bored with it," he said.

Those grieving should also be allowed to cry. Both the repetition of their story as well as tears are necessary for the healing process, said Mr. Bates. "There is a payoff in sobbing," he said. "Women know this. You cry and you feel better."

Support for sobs

In order not to become burdened with grief, people must pass through the stages of sobbing and talking. Mr. Bates encourages friends to create a safe environment for the bereaved and to give them permission to cry and to talk.

Through this support, Mr. Bates said, the bereaved person discovers that there is an abundance of love and support for him, and that he has a choice in how he is going to feel. Once the bereaved reach that point, there is a shift in his perceptions.

"There's not much movement until this shift takes place," he said. "This is a major turning point. This must develop or the person will be stuck in their loss. I see widows of 25 years who were not given the opportunity to discuss and move through the process. They're still stuck. If we don't get to heal completely, we spend the rest of our life trying to complete ourself."

Spirituality

Mr. Bates has found that people with a faith background move more quickly into the stages critical in the grief management process.

"A spiritually supportive atmosphere helps them remedy other relationships and come to forgiveness," he said. "From spirituality, one goes forth with compassion, gives service to others and heals other relationships."

In his studies on grief, Mr. Bates has found that service to others in need is therapeutic for the bereaved.

"In the midst of pain, go in service to someone else who is experiencing a loss," he advised. The service can be as simple as telling another person how you get through the night.

Managing the grief

Rather than waiting for grief to go away, Mr. Bates advises grief management, adding: "We must either manage our loss or we will be managed by it."

Mr. Bates advises family, friends and community caregivers to create a supportive atmosphere for the bereaved. He said people must go through the grieving processes in order to move forward in their own lives. It is also important for the bereaved to feel they belong.

"Everyone wants to be included," he said. "The bereaved should be part of social events forever, or as long as they are still friends."

Love and closeness

He advised supporters to provide a loving and close atmosphere for the bereaved.

"Providing information is not helpful," he warned. "Don't say to the person, `You'll get married again,' or to a mother who has had a miscarriage or whose child has died, `You'll have other children."

When a child dies, the loss can be especially difficult. "When a mother loses a child, the instincts which lie beneath emotions are damaged," he said. "It is an especially debilitating loss."

Mr. Bates advises people who are present during the first moments of grief to offer "comfort, nourishing, holding and stroking, and permission to cry. This is especially true with children. They don't have the verbal skills to communicate their loss. They act out."

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