Engaged Encounter worthwhile

Ah, the romance of engagement. It's such a magical time.

Or so the wedding industry would have you believe. This time is also filled with incredible stress, as bridesmaids storm out of bridal boutiques when they don't like the dress selection you've made, or each family insists you won't really be married unless you serve the main dish that represents their nationality.

Calamari or stuffed cabbage, anyone?

Treasured moments

When I look back at my own engagement, there are only a handful of things I treasure: when my husband proposed to me on top of the Empire State Building as the sun set over the New York City skyline...the support given to us by our maid of honor, her husband and our priest...and the Engaged Encounter weekend we participated in.

Peter and I were officially engaged eight months after first meeting. We each had called off previous engagements and had a combined 27 years of dating experience. Soon after dating, we had the somewhat rare experience of knowing that we were meant to get married.

Unfortunately, not all of those around us felt the same way, and their lack of support helped make this time that I thought would be a celebration far from it.

Dreams and hopes

While I have known women who had their wedding ceremony planned since they were 12 and needed only a man to complete the picture, there were few things that I knew I wanted when I got married.

While I had dreamed of my wedding day, the only constant was that I would get married in a church, bagpipes would be involved somehow, and my husband and I would participate in an Engaged Encounter weekend.

I first heard about Engaged Encounter when one of my roommates got married. She raved about the two-day experience. Soon, many of my friends were getting married, and most were participating in Engaged Encounter. Friends and family members who had other pre-marriage experiences seemed un-enthused about marriage preparation, but those who participated in Engaged Encounter always said, "You've got to do it."

Being, not getting

Peter agreed to it after our maid of honor and her husband said: "It makes you want to BE married rather than GET married." They admitted that they had their doubts prior to the weekend but enjoyed it once they were there. So Peter agreed to go, even though he still suspected it would be "geeky." But he thought our marriage was worth the investment.

The first thing that helped me realize we had made the right decision was the atmosphere. All of the couples participating could share horror stories of wedding planning; we were all in the same boat, and the married couples leading us had survived this part of the journey and lived to tell about it.

The environment was relaxed, yet there was an excitement in the air. Participating in Engaged Encounter made the upcoming wedding more real -- and that was exciting.

Love letters

During the weekend, there were presentations by our leaders, two married couples and a priest. The talks covered a range of topics, including self-esteem, morality, faith, communication, children and sex. After each talk, we were given a topic to write about, went our separate ways, and then shared our "letters" with our partners.

While Peter and I had already talked about these issues, we had never written such poignant letters to each other. I cried when Peter read aloud many of the letters he had written. My husband is a man of few words and not prone to the proclamations of love that Hollywood has depicted as commonplace. Listening to him read why he wanted children, and what being a parent or being married meant to him was more touching than any scene in a movie.

The weekend also include prayer opportunities and a Mass. The priest explained each part of the Mass, his vestments and the prayers. That proved helpful for Peter, who had not practiced his faith since his Confirmation. He now had a better understanding of the liturgy and saw priests as approachable people rather than men to be feared.

Working together

My greatest lesson came when we took a personality inventory. I learned that Peter and I are opposites. Being more of an extrovert and someone who liked to face issues head-on meant I had the potential to steamroll Peter. For the first time in my life, I realized that my way wasn't the only way and that I needed to be careful not to walk over my husband.

As our friends had predicted, we left the weekend wanting to BE married. We looked forward to the "everyday-ness" of marriage and to the daily commitment we would have to make to love each other -- regardless of the grey hairs that might come, the extra 10 pounds one of us might carry, or the long hours that might go into work. We were eager for this.

All too soon, Peter and I got our wish -- and then some. Two months after our wedding, I became seriously ill, was hospitalized and stayed out of work for six months.

Putting it to work

Our Engaged Encounter experience had helped Peter to realize how important the Church was to me; so as soon as I was admitted to the hospital, he called our priest, something he said he would have never thought of without our weekend together.

For my part, I learned to let Peter take charge. He had to make decisions and fight for me. I also had to allow Peter to care for our home the way he wanted to since I was not able to do so. Prior to Engaged Encounter, I would have insisted on my way.

We also used the letter-writing technique we learned during the weekend while I was hospitalized. It wasn't planned, but I spent my first night in the hospital writing to him -- and he was at home writing to me.

Depths of love

As one can imagine, being sick, homebound and unemployed for six months can wreak havoc on a marriage. While there were difficult times, Peter and I now see that period as a positive experience.

We saw the depths of our love, faced our biggest fears and continued to make the daily commitment to our marriage. While there are many factors that allowed us to survive that difficult time, we both agree that Engaged Encounter played the biggest role.

A wedding is a day; a marriage is a lifetime.

Using that as its slogan, the Engaged Encounter program has been helping couples in the Albany Diocese prepare for marriage since 1975.

It's a weekend program designed to help engaged couples concentrate on each other, free from the tensions, pressures and interruptions that often occur during the engagement period. The goal of this international program is to help couples discuss their future together in terms of planning a life-long marriage, rather than just the wedding day celebration.

Participants are encouraged to explore goals, aspirations, strengths, weaknesses, and attitudes about family life, children, sexuality, finances, Church and social situations.

Each weekend is lead by a team of two married couples and a priest. Through a series of team presentations, engaged couples privately discuss practical marriage and family issues.

Participants learn that love is a decision, that arguing can be healthy, that expectations can have an impact on marriage, that marriage is a vocation, that children can impact marriage, and that careers, roles, money and time affect relationships.

There is also an informal session where couples can discuss their concerns and learn about the teachings of the Church.

(Engaged Encounter is Roman Catholic in origin but open to couples of any denomination. While it was inspired by Worldwide Marriage Encounter, it is separately incorporated. The total cost of the weekend is $220 per couple, which includes materials, food and lodging. Other financial arrangements can be made for couples who find the cost prohibitive. Engaged Encounter will be offered March through June and in August and November. To register, call the Family Life Office at 453-6677.)(MM)

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